Online dating is a special reality, where general laws of relationship behaviour get deflected by the special conditions. No use decrying; much use in making allowance for the “different physics”, as if when scuba-diving or walking on the Moon. Likewise for introduction services and marriage agencies.
- Navigating in the World of Opportunities
The most burning – and the most ridiculous question to ask or hear from a Russian Bride Online is, “Do you have some other man” (or “girl”, respectively). “Yes” is condemned to be a red card answer (isn’t it? ;)). “No” is a yellow card, so symbolically as yellow used to stand for lies, jealousy and cheating in the old Russian “flower language”.
So best policy is what should make the “tango rules” for BOTH e-partners (share this link with your real friends and virtual / potential lovers):
(1) never asking this,
(2) treating your contact like there is no other in the world,
(3) never saying anything like (2),
(4) knowing there are thousands of rivals – on both sides,
(5) taking (4) as normal, not offensive nor indecent,
(6) not getting accustomed to (5), and
(7) dancing on together, through it to the wedding dance,
so that you could know and tell your friends, grandchildren and reporters rightfully that you. have. chosen. each. one. from. a million. of. others.
The modern level of technology, and Internet is just a small part of it, has increased the constant inflow of information, contacts and stimuli far above our reception capacity. And most of them are “noise”: superficial, resultless, but strainful. Now this trend imposes on the one in force since our grandparents’ time: Whoever is found attractive by one person, attracts many. In some time, after dedicating your attention, learning impulse and emotion to many people, one feels drained and reluctant to see even Mr or Miss Universe.
- Yet Internet is like democracy, – the worst thing without any better alternative.
To be and stay noticed among her hundreds of contacts per day, you need Intensive Personal Interest, which is exercised and stimulated through disclosure, exploration and persistence.
1. Exchanging much valuable information, at once. Fill in your profile thoroughly, – what the heck for did they bother to invent those questions. You’ll never have a second chance for the first impression. And whatever profile, if your first letter consists of “wishing to get to know each other”, it ain’t gonna happen soon, and not in this life if your second letter is no more informative. Don’t ask / tell anything identical to what you could have read / told in her / your profiles or previous letters – deeper clarifications only. Tell her everything you know about you. Ask her many questions, specific and relevant to her life and individuality.
It happens that they leave some questions unanswered; I promise to warn my female clients that it turns men off, and I warn my male clients that this manner is not unnatural to Russian women. More on this in “New Bride Scam Alert or Just Life? Sophisticated Gentle Goes Far”
2. Keeping up the pace: you “wink” and she “winks” back or vice versa, or you wink and she doesn’t decline, or no one has winked (recommendable, even if the site encourages this function) – anyway you write first, she writes back, you write again. If she’s interested, she’ll be waiting for your turn in silence. If she’s not, either she writes a sorry letter, or doesn’t answer two letters in a row and never comes back with an excuse for being occupied with real life events, or technically challenged. (There might well have been another man, – sorry sir. Who’s smart, his was the start. Now that he’s probably failed his performance, you are given a second chance. But don’t interrogate her, it may be deemed tactless of you to ask and of her to tell.)
E-cards, jokes, funny links and cute pictures don’t count, if not steal scores. They are only good to amuse her waiting for the K1, provided you’ve learned her tastes. But even then this kids’ stuff is, by essence, noise that steals bandwidth without delivering personal communication, and looks bulk spam. Send only things that illustrate your thoughts or provide valuable information.
3. Escaping “the Matrix” to visit her face-to-face after you’ve asked each other about all characteristic points that can be learned by correspondence. Now it’s time for chemistry and characters to tell their verdict. Otherwise you remain a grey haze of bytes in the PC logs. It won’t be much of a pill sweatener that most of her other online daters haven’t been smarter.
Remember that the active part is the man’s. By Russian standards, Western guys, especially European, are too concerned to give a girl some room for initiative of her own. And the woman can’t even guess about this motivation, being free from the atmosphere of feminist anti-courtship bullying. When you cease to be the first to write and call her, or don’t come to meet her at the airport, anything like this, she takes it for your loss of interest in her, and then Grandmother’s rules tell that a decent woman must not pursue the man.
And more explained in an essay below…
Sincerely,
© Comrade Natalia
(…please link to this page when using some information from it! ;)
November 14, 2006 at 3:04 am
Most precious advice but so hard to resist. I am a man who doesn’t feel comfortable writing many. One woman only. Perhaps I need to adjust this attitude or become lost in the crowds?
:(
Canajun
November 14, 2006 at 3:30 am
Dear Canajun,
since you are going to have no trouble with (2), you have top chances to STAND OUT against the crowds of dispersed and erratic e-daters! Messages charged with concentrated personal attention always feel of special weight. If she likes what she is reading and seeing about you, then you are going to outweigh more frivolous competitors even of similar characteristics. Just take care not to look needy and importunate as many excited correspondents do.
Hope you have done your profile choice work well to see your writing power concentrated in the right direction.
Sincerely, Natalia
March 13, 2007 at 6:48 pm
What is going on in dating online, instant messenging, or big city life, or with popular women, or with desirable men, is the same what’s rotten about being a celebrity or meeting one:
Everyone is implanted the feeling of long knowing you inside out. But it contradicts the natural perception of a stranger (for both parties). Some contacts try to familiarize regardless, as if they’ve been your first friend. Others feel too deeply conscious (subconscious!) of disturbing you. Even prefer to stay away.
When your occupation is Being You (script characters altogether), it’s so tiresome to present yourself once again. Each time you need to express an idea that you’ve already voiced, you feel yourself a person of few thoughts. Not pleasant, is it?
Furthermore, it’s harder for people to get through to you, ‘cause you’ve already heard all that they are going to say. Even the wittiest insights (the sooner they become corny). And it makes another individual like “all that crowd”.
And you constantly have to be fanning off and scrubbing against multiple myths, wondering if this time you are accepted as you are (with such a lack of actual acquaintance), or perceived through a generalization, or treated under some self-established rule, or taken for a trophy.
Result: the two have nothing to talk about. “How are you”. “Thanks, fine, how are you.” End of the beginning. We’re in the emulation of intimacy, as deeply as at its final stage: both acquaintances are actually ignorant about each other’s inner world, and have no intension to explore.
We could lead in with something totally unexpected, but why in the blue? Is Bin Laden’s capture really relevant to you or me? Oh yes, we’re all concerned. But then it’s a gossip, as indecent as if you’ve asked me about my sexual preferences. I could even tell. But then it’s your turn to feel confused if I do, however petty that news might sound.
Ages ago when every tale has been already told, the truth discovered, in the ancient times we owe all world’s wisdom to, – during a lifetime one could meet as many people as we come across in a day. No wonder it was noticeable that everyone is a Universe worth appreciation.
Now we soothe ourselves with the idea that competition of choices lets us scoop and single out Only Someone Really Outstanding. Or, more correctly, Someone Really Kin to Ourselves. Or, still more correctly, Someone Who Can Teach Us Something New (and is prepared to learn from us). And the higher to the top, the lonelier.
Yes, admitting that each of us is climbing a certain summit in life – all different…
You go to mix with “the folks” where no one recognizes you, and suddenly find yourself able of such pure joy embracing some person that you’ve never before considered “your species”. Hey, it’s as simple as biological attraction and God’s ethics. That’s it – Unconditional Love! Everyone can be happy here and now, everyone deserves it.
You realize that you can forgive them anything, and even let them go. Because this person has never been your blood and bone. Communicating at different wavelengths, or in different operation systems, or (God forgive) across an evolution gap, is so baffling.
And you go on waiting for that Someone Special with whom you’re caught up talking terabytes, piling topics, discovering answers, skipping over chapters, in an understanding by half word.