Why Cooking Is Like [Oral] Sex, and Russian Wives’ Kitchen Manifesto

orks pointed, pans poised! What the matter cooking is, that it provokes so much rattle-battle?

1. An occupation. Some people like to ski, some don’t; some are fascinated with maths, some detest “dry figures”.

2. An art. All of us can sing or draw, not everyone can do it well and fondly.

3. Self-maintenance. Making a fire is fun. But do you always have to chop wood to stay warm? or perform ALL house repair works by yourself?

4. A Sacral Act. Russian women’s culture abounds with superstitions and magic rituals, love & devotion-centered. Half Russian authentic sorcery techniques (if not more) are all about food and ingrediends to feed. (Beware of bewitchment, Gentlemen!)

Now some mysteries revealed… Creation and Influence are what the magic is about, and what makes cooking & eating similar to making love. (There’s also less fun in cooking for yourself, isn’t it?)

“…an interview I heard years ago, of a woman chef from South America, who said (paraphrasing) “Cooking for a man is a very spiritual and emotional thing. It’s the one way that a woman has to penetrate a man.” A much more elegant and thought-provoking way to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”- Craig Moberg in the pithy dialogue at RW_Man’s “Don’t American Women Cook?”

Another proverb is, “What you eat is what you are”. Indeed, food is what we let deepest into ourselves, and what we make ourselves of! (including neurophysiology or energetic bodies, blah-blah-blah, whichever you believe in.) And a dish is not as simple as the combination of right products prepared accurately…

Our hands emit lepton fields that charge whatever we create with them. This is why, for ages, it’s been taking godly life, abstinence and prayer (meditation) to create religious artifacts. This is why women on their periods of depuration were kept away from cooking, at least certain dishes.

This is why the cook’s attitude and state of mood make food healing or destructive. (Same with sex, – psychologists and esoterists strongly disadvise to drag grudges into the bed space and mix evil vibes into the couple’s reverberated energy of love!)

Isn’t it a paradox that men are better chefs and cooks, whereas the kitchen is female daily responsibility (the order of the sentences can be changed)? It isn’t! These Men cook when they feel like it, in an occasional urge of creativity, or by a heart-felt choice of their professional path in life!

No routine can compete with desire and inspiration.

To make a punishment of something, just call it an OBLIGATION. To devalue it, take it for granted. The contemporary Russian folklore abounds with jokes about the sparkless, hated Spousal Duty (same word for Debt), and reminds about best works of literature squeezed into neglected turnoffs through the school curriculum.

If you’ve read the following manifesto already, skip right to the bottom line…

On behalf of Russian Women may I swear love to Western Men for your kitchen attitudes!

1. For your OWN love and talent for cooking… It’s sooooo touching, even more than our cooking to yourselves unfortunately starved by your Western Women! (When I face this “chefdom” all the way… – well, funnily, even with Russian Men as well, – still can’t help melting. ))

2. For your appreciation of OUR cooking! Too many Russian Men take us for granted. Some even place no value on women’s domestic contribution to their general well-being, – which position is displayed blatantly in perpetual “who-is-better” boy talks, and often climaxes in divorce disputes (in spite of the national law recognizing this contribution worth half of family belongings).

3. For your sharing, responsible and respectful approach to housework. Every time man asks a Russian Woman if she can cook, just as he starts growing slightest likes for her, or still before – even in the first 15 minutes of acquaintance! – the woman suppresses a big GRRRR… Is It Really The Foremost Thing They Need Us For?? Read above and get sad…

…but, why complain? We hear Western Men say, “I can teach you if you want, or just sit near as I am cooking, and entertain me!” (One dear phrase enough to make a woman feel like getting married.)

4. For your dietary habits. Those Russian Men who love with their stomachs (to the detriment to more suitable love organs) – demand mountains of heavy, indigestible sophisticated combinations that really can turn cooking into round-the-clock slavery (and largely account for early disease mortality in Russian menfolk).

So far that cooking is a celebration, NOT routine, nor substitute for other ways of celebrating (like adventures, cultural events, romance, gifts and of course intimacy),

and so far that you perceive it as Lovemaking as opposed to Spousal Duty,

we would LOVE to treat you to our dainties and savour your art… also sharing the fun and revitalizing variety of restaurant devices. ;)

Now the promised parallel between cooking and [giving] oral sex…

Ladies, “it” is your keenest way of exercising Total Domination.

Gentlemen, Coercion excludes the Pleaser Attitude.

Without Love, “it” is humiliation.

Your One loves receiving “it” just as you do, and dislikes being asked for “it”. So let’s be GIVERS, to be loved and to receive.

And,.. cooking together is a perfect 69.

Enjoy yourselves!

Sincerely,

© Comrade Natalia

(…please link to this page when using some information from it! ;)