Just one Google dig into Runet (Russian-language Internet) for mere stats on international divorce rate brought 34 600 sites and pages of serious research and personal experiences… Here are some molecules of this information, rather representative of the whole substance.
1. Same factors that cause local divorces. (Separate post)
2. Lack of mutual love, which makes the following love-undermining problems totally unbearable.
If I had to save some generations by one sentence, I’d say: The gravest matrimonial mistake is to follow the desire of Marriage As Such rather than of a lifetime with This Very Person. Intending “to marry a nationality”, men and women are particularly challenged to discern whether there’s true personal attraction with deepening interest between them - or is it their quest that urges to complete the demanding mission with a suitable candidate.
3. Language barrier. Love is communication. Life is communication. Lack of language skills is like living half-deaf-and-numb, after being an opera singer. Like cleaning a floor with a toothbrush. Like using an AMD K4 with a thin dial-up, after a last Pentium with satellite connection. The point is, what goes faster, – her learning, or someone’s getting tired.
I’ve known so many times when people grow so irritated, even with the innocent others, just for the very fact of continuous strain. In long communication over a language barrier, it is like this: he starts to feel as if she’s dumb. She starts to feel as if she’s dumb, and angry at herself as well as at whatever makes her so. (Same with cultural differences.)
4. The resulting sensoric-informational deficit. Some Russian women are extroverts, some introverts. Many are used to having many pals, chatting with neighbors, colleagues, co-travelers, taxi drivers and beauticians, and exchanging jokes with sales & food service people. Very many prefer to keep silence and/or sit home (until it feels depressing dull). But since you are going to be the #1 person in her life… Even when YOU don’t need much and meaningful talks with your spouse, - SHE does.
Otherwise, she feels ignored. A top reason for Russian divorces and adultery is Lack of Interest and Understanding, which takes shape of Not Talking (other than “fetch, thanks, do you love me, yes I love you”), or Having Nothing to Talk About. Russian people are curious about world’s events, and used to pondering over global ethical problems, or at least discussing books, films and daily impressions.
Remedy: An initially decent-speaking mate. Her language courses. Much socializing. Books and films in your language. Internet, for Russian-language sources of connection to her native background (also to alleviate the problems mentioned below). Your readiness to communicate intensively, and to be her patient coach.
5. Cultural differences in behavior, between people TOO different by values, attitudes, manners, and neighborhood habits. A long-promised list to be developed here. These differences, especially individualism vs. collectivism, rationalism vs. emotionalism, discipline vs. rulebreaking, success vs. suffering and bashing, may be quite traumatic, – especially for the one relocating into the alien environment (which takes ca. 7 years to adapt into – 3 and 7 years being critical points in every marriage), and still more for a couple of parents as they face a field of unknown-ever problems in bringing up children (however promising a bicultural environment may be for the kid). Particular confrontations arise between Western step-children and Eastern step-mothers.
- Announced is translation from:
- a Russian Ph.D. (Psychology) Olga Makhovska, practicing therapist and Senior Researcher at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, which has first brought up the statistics of 80% international divorce rate in the recent time of Internet-facilitated dating spree. Author of a frank and well-grounded book on East-West marriages, written upon field studies of 1998-2002 (US, France). Some observations already incorporated into this post;
- the site of, I dare say, “All-Our-Times-and-Nations’ ” Gooroo of Russian humor (have I mentioned that specific national humor is a foothold and mirror of Former Soviet people’s life?), where Russian-speakers of all nationalities add their experiences to his own well-traveled insights into East vs.West & West vs. East peculiarities;
- Prof. Daniel Rancour-Laferier of California University, – interview to a Russian source, and abstracts from his “The Slave Soul of Russia. Moral Masochism and the Cult of Suffering”.
6. Resulting loneliness. Russian women need friends. Close friends. It’s in their blood. Female friends. At least one. With similar problems and experiences. Her old friends stay overseas, and connection is lost inevitably. New friends? Fellow emigrantes fall into two categories: helpful & sharing, or jealous & negative. On the other hand, many foreign husbands object to their wives’ friendship with fellow countrywomen, to say nothing about their Western women (who are not much friendship material themselves).
Remedy. A sound common denominator between your mentalities, an environment to live in, which both of you can stand (whatever country), and no hampering to her connections with the diaspora or Web pals. Wrong girls won’t mix with a good one, and vice versa.
7. Her liaison with family. In some cases, keeping her mother close helps (though most mothers are too deeply rooted into their native life, and too fearful and vulnerable for “transplantation”.) On the other hand, there are cases of Russian wives driving their husbands mad for consulting with relatives on their family matters. International variant: hanging on the phone for hours daily. Expat variant: the Great and Terrible Russian Mother-in-Law intruding into everything.
Professional and Laymen’s Conclusion over Russian Life: A Couple Shalt Not Share Home With Their Parents, for the sake of its sanity.
Checkpoint. How much co-dependency is there between her and her relatives?
8. Common traits and needs – making each other “just like our Russian men”, “just like our Western women”. – “I only wanted a kind husband and an interesting job, but got under lock!” – “How could I know Afros are off the local dating fair for their promiscuous habits!” – “Have enough lazy supremacistic users at homeland!” (Complaints retold by international ex-wives to post-divorce therapists back home… sorry, it was a printed article, can’t give a web link).
http://www.ethnonet.ru/lib/0903-03.html – a Russian social study on the “female exodus”, reliant on different scholarly surveys and statistical data of domestic and foreign national migration services – shows that most “Post-Soviet Wives International” blame their native countries for sexual discrimination, lack of chances for a respected and well-paying job, CONSISTENT with making a sound family (please take these words literally to get rid of feministic fears, and see #8 to watch what consequences an opposite attitude may bring about), AND lack of SUPPORT AND APPRECIATION from fellow countrymen, who offer rudeness, hypocricy, egoism, despotism and parasitism of all kinds as a substitute for “male strength” which implies calm tolerance.
Many men and women on the international dating fair make similar mistakes, playing up to what they know about the other party’s expectancies, and blaming each other for buying into it. He – brings flowers, opens doors and hints how great he is, – only to cut it off for callous domineering (just after Russian notorious proverbs: “attends to a woman for a month, to get her attend to him for a lifetime” and “hen no bird, woman no human”). She – describes what an addictive houseworker and humble “yes-your-lordship” she is, only to tell around how selfish those Western grooms are.
9. Bride Fairytale Illusions. There are two frequent models of Russian wives’ behavior of “hanging on a man’s neck” without becoming a “full-fledged member of society”, which models turn unbearable to their husbands. (1) “Cinderella Forever”: “Why study language, as well as explore anything outside the house, and bother adapting to foreign life, – it seems so easy to serve the duty of cooking and cleaning, since everything around seems so stable at last.” – Normal reaction of a grown-up, “hunter-winner” man: “What a bore!” Pathological reaction: “Now it’s time to unwind into revenging for all the crimes of feminism!” (2) “Princess Born”: “I’m young and beautiful, I give you great sex, you are my debtor, why aren’t you a movie hero?” – No comment. Anyway, either of the parties finally initiates divorce.
UPD: See this brilliant brief on class-wise compatibility and misalliance.
Warranty. Clear vision and honest discussion of goals, roles and plans for life.
10. Exploitation. Yes, many people indeed use each other for ends irrelevant to marriage. Women, to jump into a better life, consenting to “tolerance” instead of “love”. Men… The aforementioned international marriage expert quoted a case as exotic as a gay guy playing “as much in love as to have children”, with a girl whom he has “imported” as a surrogate mother.
Lincoln: “Vile is the weapon of fools who aren’t sly enough to play honestly.” (Excuse me, what’s an exact wording?) Or, as Russian wisdom goes, “Lie is a one-way ticket.” Greencard divorcers often get branded for loneliness. Men get blacklisted, too.
If she is TOTALLY sweet, obliging and “self-effaced” all the way, might be too good to be reliable. It’s, at best, the Hospitality of Hostess and the Cautious Modesty of Guest, and at worst… (Go castigate Natalia for telling it again, but don’t then say you didn’t know.)
11. Savior’s Arrogance. “Eat your America, your money, our house, my car! I’m coming back to lick stamps at my native post office, where no one nuzzles me into my “despicable” past, as well as his own benefactions!”
12. Discardable partners: “Husbands from Hell“ and, in the wives’ turn, “Pet Beasts from Wilderness“. Unfortunately, all these come in legions, often well-masked or maladvertised.
Recommended reading: Jim’s “Agencyscams.com” on USCIS divorce stats
Topic not exhausted.
Sincerely,
© Comrade Natalia
(…please link to this page when using some information from it! ;)
January 8, 2007 at 3:31 am
Another interesting and valuable article, Natalia. Don’t let the comments of other bloggers dissuade you (I know you won’t, and you handle them with superb grace). You turn English-as-second-language into an art form. I have to read and reread, but I’m always rewarded by the effort. And that’s the mark of good writing!
C
January 9, 2007 at 10:31 am
Thank you, Craig!
See, I am trapped into one of the major differences between Russian and American mentality. :-)) Your people prefer instructions: “if” > “then” > “else”. Our people appreciate multi-layered soil for everyone to grow one’s own thoughts. Or, as that humorist said, the West has “digital“, “analytical“, “left-hemisphere” mindset; ours is “analog“, “synthetical“, “right-hemisphere“; the trouble is, how to borrow right things from each other, and leave the extremes back.
Still, I am a bit afraid of giving instructions without picturing the background, which is so full of irrational powers, subtle factors and contrasts. (See “Paradox Relationships in Paradox Society“).
Another reason is that, in the Former Soviet Union, we’ve had many teachers (everywhere, from school to art, determined by the entire state administrative machinery) who exactly said “do this and this, and have these conclusions”. It evoked rejection, yet caused great difficulties in diligent students’ operation in real life. Happily, there also were thought-provokers whose expatiations were absorbed to remain in minds.
So, he that hath ears to hear, let him hear. Sure I’ll keep writing for you and likewise hasteless Gentlemen (taking all the criticism to try make my “mindfood” more “digestible”.)
Sinc., N.
January 16, 2007 at 12:30 am
Sometimes I wonder..How did my grandfather leave his country, his family, 100 years ago?
Could I bring a woman here to leave her country, her family, her friends? I have to always consider her well being, that her total needs are nutured. If she has children…so much more to consider. Would I leave my country to go there?
It’s as transplanting a flower… extremely fragile..but it can be done.
my random thoughts…
now for some coffee.
January 17, 2007 at 12:31 am
Oh, fellow Ceiver, then you must know these sayings:
“Fish seeks deeper, man seeks better“.
“Right question – half answer“.
“All happy families are alike.” (Leo Tolstoy)
Where would the Man feel more strong?
Where would the Woman feel more convenient?
Where would the Children have more opportunities?
Canada? Russia? Sweden? Or… Barbados? ) Up to yourselves.
It would take both parties a bit of travel, analysis, discussion, preparation and determination. But if none of you had thought of changing something in life, you won’t have said hello.
A bit of byte about the troubles of male relocation,
and a host of sense-ible information on transnational socialization (My “Creative Writing”)
January 17, 2007 at 6:35 am
Good day to you Natalie,
I must say that there are special reasons why mother nature did not select the tundras and the steppes for the trees to grow and flourish.
On the other hand the parable says that the seeds that fell on good grounds bear beautiful flowers and good fruits while the ones that fell on the rocks did not.
I know that the above dogmata seems oxymoron (darwinian and biblical) at times but I think it can give us our true north and compass in this adventure as we search for that other half.
You are multi talented and multilingual….. very articulate…..and little did you know that it is my pleasure indeed, reading your thoughts. I am sure that there many of my brethren on a voyage, looking out to your lighthouse.
Amorcito
January 17, 2007 at 10:01 am
Hail Amorcito,
sisters waiting! )
Your “Biblical Darwinist”.
Sheep to the sheep ;)
January 17, 2007 at 2:06 pm
For more on cross-border marriages, see comments to this post:
http://russianwomenspeak.wordpress.com/2006/10/02/east-west-marriage-relationship-psychology-expert-counseling-personal-secrets/
March 11, 2007 at 11:53 pm
I think you should add “Golddigger” to the list of causes for divorce. There seem to be a much higher than usual percentage of Golddiggers in Wes-East relationships.
Usually this is the result of a not-so-wise man who has little success with girls and few social skills who tries to buy love.
When she has extorted most of his money, or when she meets another man who has more–the marriage ends.
How to know if she is a golddigger? Her money is hers, and yours is “ours”.
Some wealthy, famous, handsome lady’s men I know even go so far as to misrepresent their degree of wealth when they seek true love. They buy old cars, rent cheap apartments and wear ordinary clothing. Any (morally) cheap golddigger can love any fool’s money.
And any fool who cannot say no to the ego boost of arm candy golddiggers will soon learn to say “yes” to a divorce attorney and at least half of his(her) money–what’s left after she has screwed her way as far through his assets as possible.
Golddiggers are found in ALL the world. But when they’re Russian, a blind man could see them.
If her special name for you is anything like “sweetcums”; then, you’ve got one. Personally if any woman ever called me “sweetcums” I would pour my drink over her designer dress.
Lead with love and get love.
Lead with money and get a golddigger.
So simple. But when the other head does the thinking, apparently not so simple.
March 12, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Yes, golddigging is a notable trend, enough for two Reasons (9 and 10), though it could be excluded employing some sense and sensibility, because the scene is dramatic indeed. When the man “couldn’t look tall unless he was sitting on his wallet”, i.e. when he needs to materially overcompensate for the lack of confidence in his physique or personality, and/or communicates more by spending than by speaking and listening. When the woman is unnaturally obliging, tempting, or arrogant. That’s a “clinical case”.
On the other hand, misrepresentation of wealth, which I call the “Pauper Soltan Syndrom“, is a pattern much more popular but not much more wholesome. It is underlied by the same feeling of insecurity about the personal value which money may compete. Only the anamnesis is different, described by the term “anal retentive” that came into the humorous vocabulary from doctors’ observations of physical conditions in combination with mindsets.
As you’ve touched she sexual topic (wow what a text bomb of a girl! laughed to exhaustion), I can’t help bringing this correlation forward. Aside from individual gossips and lay writing, the professional experience of my medical friend gives enough evidence that
…(grisly whisper) stingy guys with a “don’t-even-think-to-take-advantage-of-me” motto have steady problems with culminating… As if they economize on their own sperm (yes, precious proteine) and suppress pleasure that might exceed their level of self-control.
Quite an illustration to the perception “mean on yourself, mean to others, and vice versa”.
When a woman relies on her own money, it is certainly commendable, and not uncommon at the dating stage. On the other hand, the line “my money is our money, your money is your toys” belongs to the code of honor of a Respectable Russian Husband, and has still more significance in an international marriage relationship where a woman is expected to sit home, and rarely has enough property and skills for self-maintenance.
Anyway, with all the indispensable priority that our culture gives to unconditional love and devotion, among the standard qualifiers of Marriageable Manliness and Divorceable Demeanour, material considerations do exist. But the core attitude of a Russian wife is not “snap and run”, but “nestle and be able to feel happy staying”.
Most of the issues concerned are revealed in the “Poor guy, good girl” post.
Announced is a separate post on balancing the two parties’ reasonable expectations of husband expence on Russian wife maintenance. Stay tuned.
March 13, 2007 at 6:47 am
Oh, how I so love filling in the blanks…
Is it normal for a Russian woman to seek to spend capital already designated for necessary capital for startup expenses of a new business on things like luxury cars, capital needed by a Western man in Russia, from a Russian girl who already earns 2-3,000 dollars a month and still insists on following the “his is ours and mine is my toys” mantra?
Surely Russians have an equivalent concept of “killing the goose that lays the golden eggs? Then why, if such a girl professes undying love and simultaneously “cheap and greedy” when any fool can see that it costs “X” amount of dollars to begin the gravy train, and spending this necessary capital causes his business to fail from lack of necessary expenditures?
Any man who would allow his own security to be compromised by a Lottery Queen has an ass for a mentor. Especially if he also would happen to be a foreigner in a foreigner land. Or is this material suicide some strange Russian custom about which I’m not familiar?
“The more you’re given, the more you’re loved
So little girls are told.” Canadian pop song.
Buys a raincoat for his girl with his month’s earnings?–from your ““Poor guy, good girl” post.” Romantically irresponsible, but cute and all dreamy like. In other words, what do they eat when they get home? Yes, of course, they’re both really into rubber and so when they’re done they eat it.
God, how I love sarcasm. Even when it’s not good for me.
But I do sometimes eat vitamins in plastic capsules. (true confessions)
Western reality of typical marriage=buy a woman you don’t like a house so she can raise kids you’ll never ever see again, with money you’ll also never ever see again–after getting screwed by her and ass-raped in the courts.
“As if they economize on their own sperm (yes,precious proteine)”
Your expert is seriously out of date. Ever heard of sexual Taoism? I know it would end the Soviet national sport of abortion, but, is that any reason to condemn unbelievable passion, pleasure and multiple “O’s” for both in a lifetime of unending love creating?
Yes, I know my cookies taste sweet, but, sorry, you can’t have them. I need them to slay dragons. But if you ask really, really
nice, I’ll give you a little taste–only if you promise to say thank you afterwards–in at least two languages. lol
Or as the Taoist proverb goes, “A man who keeps his cookies, keeps his love for life and his life for love.”
Don’t you just love trading pithy little maxims?
Hey, you’re cute in a Soviet kind of a way. But don’t let the constant compliments from amiable Western lap dogs go to your head, or I won’t ever again write too many words in response to your impossibly charming posts and blogs and whatever.
And that will only lead to more West-East divorces. And we can’t have that now can we? On a mission from Gawddd!
Bless us, every one of us. Or some such drivel from “Scrooge” the ultimate fantasy of all men searching for a way to screwge their way through life without getting screwged. Laww dee dee, laww dee daw.
March 13, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Oops – I describe to Western men how things are going on in local reality. Simultaneously, I study the world they come from, to educate fellow women. (Compliments that I may receive in this process are the least useful part of it, but I don’t censor comments, if only trim the page make.) Some things appear real weird from this part of the world, like all those Feminazi atrocities. Some things are to send our folks to school: yeah kids, go on bathing in champagne, till you go bankrupt; building marble facades to get first clients; buying lux cars before paying taxes; plundering natural resources (too absorbed into it for a little distraction to invest into preventing orphan crime); or asking Mom for money to walk girls to the movies instead of doing your college homework; or taking your girlfriend to a week of surprise dinners with winter strawberries, having then to cadge her for a 20-spot bill “until soon”; and envying “dull” Germans for their houses, technology and economical stability.
As for proteine, the interpretations were by Natalia (what a wretch!) proceeding from the fact that the guys in focus were alas no students of Tao (which teaching I praise to the skies yet regret to find locally unpopular… and biologically non-contraceptive, as billion Chinese would agree) but had trouble even with one O’ (leave alone love, life and their combinations). Taoism would definitely have helped them, if they agreed to undertake the troubles of self-development and make any use of riding their fawny providers of sexual energy.
Thanks for contributing a so very cultureful prevention.
March 13, 2007 at 4:42 pm
O.k. So the purpose of this general posting regarding the causes of West-East divorce, is the equivalent of forewarned is forearmed, yes?
For those who want the truth AND who truly love their special girl. Please accept this in the spirit of wishing to be constructive. I have received more than my own fair share along the way.
To the men… You are mostly disgustingly horrible lovers. Yes, I know, they can be convincing liars. This is sometimes how girls show their compassion for your ineptitude. 70% of your women never even genuinely “O” during the event. And even if they do, it ain’t nothing approaching her true potential. Pregnancy and her ostensible early infancy(your child) preoccupations neglect of you is your reward for your lack of knowledge and attention to her rights. By year 2 or 3 she generally is so fed up with the sexual frustration that she further repays your neglect of her with outward searching, constant upsets and love gone awry.
Sex, love, passion and lust are not toys to be played with by the cavalier. Our most awesome personal responsiblity to our girls should be our ongoing zeal to become her best possible lover. Ignore this one simple truth and watch what the limitless power of that special part of her does, when this most powerful energy goes unexpressed; becoming chaotic and leading to the worst possible outcome of a storybook beginning.
Pleasure and constant earth shaking, mind bending, body quaking “O’s” are her divine birthright. And as the most singularly annointed male in her life at that time, her pleasure is your solemn responsiblity. Yes, solemn–Read your bible if you happen to be Christian … I’m not, but I can bet I know it better than most who are…
E.g….
“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
In the Greek, Paul is saying that we are each owed sex by our spouse (literally a debt that is owed). It’s not a favor or an option, it’s required by the marriage covenant. Also, sex is not something we earn, our right to it is positional; just being a spouse requires us to meet the sexual needs of the one we are married to.”
Another addition. Your body is her body. Make it as handsome and powerful as possible. Get off your ass and exercise it. She already understands the gift of the beauty of her body–in many cases. She gives you all the best of her. Never stop appreciating her gift to you. She needs to know you love her body–soul deep.
What she gets…
Daily, or nearly daily multiple “O’s”, 8-20, and even the continuous 10-60 minutes instead of the 10-60 seconds, are not uncommon. No, not 8-20 of the latter. Unless you’re independently wealthy and pleasure becomes your full-time job. lol Much less emotional upset in your daily life due to the correct expression of this powerful energy–a happy as a bee in a honeycomb wife. A never ending gratitude that finally someone understands the woman in her, and how wonderful that she has a man who finally appreciates her need for simple embrace is a fundamental emotional and physical need which often is equal to or more important to her than any position in the Kama Sutra. She will become your undreamed of friend and constant, happy companion in your journeys and challenges of life. She will never want to leave you, harm your delicate-as-rice-paper heart, or ever feel the tug of love leaving her for another. This assuming you first understood the importance of correctly understanding your heart’s true desires and selecting from within this wisdom.
How? Thought you’d never ask. First, don’t look for the answers in any Western culture. Scour the earth for answers and never stop.
Taoism, Tantra, Shaman, Babylonian, and of course, a newly perceived Western which is already automatically being massacred by the masses.
What do you gain? A girl who will show you parts of life which few men ever feel, see or experience. She will make you feel as you want to kiss the ground she walks on for showing these astoundingly beautiful and ecstatically miraculous experiences to you.
Your own “O’s” will become so intense, so much more incredible, that you will never again consider the ordinary Western approach as even remotely as satisfying–relative to what your newfound way gives to you.
Impotence, erectile dysfunction and pre-mature “O’s” will not touch you. Ever.(After the learning curve.) And hence, further, separate you from the legion of the frustrated and unannnointed.
Very quickly you will learn the pain of misusing your newfound knowledge when you see the love which girls give to you when you fraudulently give this kind of love as a parlor game. You will then, if you have a conscience, learn the importance of choosing the right partner who can singularly give you more passion than a legion of Western style lovers–a historically mostly female wisdom.
It will create phenomonal fidelity between you both. You will become each other’s cocaine and heroine. Yes, the brain really does release these chemicals when it is this good.
It will take you years to learn all that is needed to give to her–what is her right. But if you don’t, you will take the rest of your life to get over the loss of not knowing and not having her–her best possible, and sadly most often unexpressed, gifts to you and your life.
I tell you this brief survey of lifelong experience and observations and firsthand surveys for one simple reason–I genuinely love and adore Soviet girls and believe that because they are the best and so uniquely fine in all the world of girls, that they deserve the best. This, in spite of the imperfections which all people are slaves to.
Bonsai… a thousand years of victory.
And to sweet Natalie–you are a marvel, my dear–a special creation. Thank you for your site and for your wisdom and caring. Don’t take any wooden nickels. You deserve the best.
March 13, 2007 at 7:36 pm
I’m still hatching a post on local divorces, and here we’ve got quite a lecture on one of the reasons. Applause.)
Lack of sexual unity undermines all other factors of marital happiness. And in turn, troubles and misunderstandings in other aspects of life undermine sexual intimacy. (Maternity is quite a challenge, too. But some women discover their orgasmic potential only after childbirth. Sometimes with their husbands. Sometimes alas with someone who appears more sensitive…)
And it’s so sad to see the picture of incredibly many Former Soviet women mastering all sorts of techniques in most devoted diligence – for unappreciative, lazy or outright impotent husbands. And Tao, like tango, is a pair performance. Ironically, I even knew one girl whose boyfriend was totally fanatic about yoga, persisted in involving her into his world of trainings, but never touched her Tantra book, however tempted to it he was in his words.
All men begin their wish lists with sexual qualifications. But he who wants a gourmet treat, must develop taste and digestion. )
On the other hand, many guys over here are digging the ground for one more manual on “How to drive her crazy”. But their zeal wanes as they find that technique doesn’t work apart from the context of health, love, care, respect, commitment, understanding, emotional rapport, spiritual goals.
_________
EDITOR’S ANNOUNCEMENT:
Gentlemen, I love brainstorming. Let me not be the only speaker. Come on! There are so many topics open and dozenth power more topics still untouched.
March 15, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Hellowww Natalia!
About your girlfriend’s yoga aficionado… Sounds to me like he wanted to prepare her for some difficult Kama Sutra–his interpretation that physical love is a gymnastics event. And she wanted him to love her like a real man loves a real girl. In this case, the girl “gets it”.
“Exactly” on the reference to “How to drive her crazy.” Bizarre isn’t it how men insist on making love with girls as if they have the same response mechanism as men? Um hum. And we are all only genitally differentiated–more feminazi mind conditioning. Water and fire.
I posted my comments on the supposition that your visitors are genuinely interested in genuine love and that once they find it, that they want to keep it.
In my experience, a necessary ingredient to the practice of the finest that physical love has to offer is, you guessed it–profoundly felt love.
In other words, it is a heartfelt way to love a girl. There is no faking a connection of the heart. Want to know if a man really loves you? Ask him to show you through Tao or Tantra. As clear as day. (Yes, same test for men wondering about their girl.) And any man who won’t even pick up the book, yet simultaneously defends his true love of his girl–yes, he loves her with his package and not his heart, certainly not his soul.
When a man knows this way to love and he truly loves his girl soul deep; his love of her gives him a profound desire to “connect” with her this way. Even the energy in entering is much more extraordinarily beautiful.
Instead of a sensation of his “you know” being surrounded by her “you know”, it is mystical–as if he is entering her soul. Literally it is as if he is truly opening her as if this experience was more like a portal or a special doorway. There really is no comparison.
Essentially, I can say that love, Tao, Tantra or any of the others is not a place for boys. And it can take men a long time to understand this difference.
“Poor sexual unity undermines all other factors of marital happiness. And in turn, troubles and misunderstandings in other aspects of life undermine sexual intimacy.” You have a way with words. And you are exactly right. You have just described the most frequent downward spiral.
>
Man is leader. He must be the first to seek to remedy his troubled love life, and again seek to open his girl when there is trouble in the bedroom. (or kitchen or living room. lol)
If your visitors are very, very lucky; they will read your above quote until their eyes fall out–or watch their love fall out instead.
I wish you great love, Natalia.
March 15, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Thanks, same wishes and compliments to you. )
December 17, 2007 at 1:17 am
A word of encouragement, born in a conversation with Joseph – my business partner, targeted for a Ukrainian wife for himself however appreciative of his American catch…
We all are different, as individuals and genders. Naturally, there are differences in perceptions, attitudes, behavior patterns. Even between neighbors, even between relatives.
When you belong to different cultures, it suddenly turns easier to understand and compromise! To forgive and educate the Other – who appears not “stupid” or “evil”, just “strange”. To accept a different view and reframe yourself – not pledging “wrong”, but boosting your image of “erudite” and “hospitable”.
One receives a powerful excuse to drop one’s baggage, and is rewarded by the blank slate of the partner’s mind, free of local preconceived notions. What a chance to co-write a new chapter of life “from the clean page”.
On the other hand, this magic remedy requires disciplined use. (Like in yoga, – pushing energies throughout an unpurged body can cause dangerous damage.) If either of the couple doesn’t get rid of preconceptions, being yourselves turns mutually hurtful. The subsequent effort to avoid stepping on a “sore corn” (and being punished) eventually leads to loss of identity. Moreover – it spreads the infection of mistrust. Already caught myself judging fellow women by the senses of an embittered American man, taking new spice he is offered for the poison he’s been fed… and oops – no woman seemed “good” enough to qualify for nursing such an “estimated client model”… made me scared…
…so it had been a good idea to appeal to Gentlemen who Think!
January 2, 2008 at 6:11 pm
2 more reasons, coming afloat from conversations with Joseph and references of Russian- fiancée forum approving this post by linking to it.
“Once bitten, twice prying.” There are habits peculiarly common to Eastern European women and peculiarly offensive to Western men, and vice versa. Fearful of being cheated on, a woman may dig into her husband / fiancé’s mail, browse his Web links, overhear his phone talks, to find out if there are other women to jeopardize their relationship. Fearful of being taken advantage of (cheating inclusive) by a newcoming alien, a man may establish video surveillance of his home. Only she would demand explanations to what she has excavated, and he would practice “one offence and you are fired” – both patterns, reciprocally, adding more injury to insult, according to the perceiver’s mindset.
“Snap-and-forget”. As Slavs are more expressive, it is more common among them to speak in raised tones, to voice pain, tiredness, self-discontent, indignation at third parties concerned, etc., and to maintain more self-control for strangers, being less considerate of “own ones” who are expected to be more lenient by virtue of their “office”. A Western European (maybe except Mediterraneans) would consider it not only low-cultured, but personally insulting, even – and especially! – if the expulsive one cools down, convinced that she/he has meant no wrong or has withdrawn criticism. An American would feel like bitch-slapping to stop contradictions and corrections in front of third persons.
I have no advice here other than: (1) trust-based mate choices, (2) verbalizing one’s discontent with certain behaviors, and (3) giving people time to relearn.
June 1, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Nataly, what a brilliant article!!
I agree to every point you made and want to add something form my own experience.
After one (short) marriage to an Austrian and a long-time relationships with another Austrian, I can only say the biggest problem is THE VALUE SYSTEM. If it differs, nothing can help (we had love, excellent language skills and communication, good family connections, etc…all you wrote about). Apart from that I was an educated and practicing expert on inter-cultural training and communication :) …but nothing helped without understanding each other on the value system level!
Finally I got married to an Ukrainian man of same value system and the rest came on itself :)
June 5, 2008 at 3:43 am
Nataly I am going to visit my intended bride in Kherson In October of 2008. I am worried about the language barrier. I have sent her English courses through her agency and I intend on supporting her any way I can I am very patient and understanding and loving. I just want this whole thing to work out well She is twenty years younger that I am I am 46 I have a job it is a decent job not a professional job I am a field technician for a ATM manufacturer and service machines in the field. IS there any advice that you could give me seeing as you have been through the process. Greg
June 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Hi Greg,
without enough knowledge of your and your bride’s personalities and the story of the relationship, I would abstain from speculating on its future, and focus on the language barrier question.
I’m sorry for having abandoned this blog for awhile. Suppose this post is not late and you find useful advice there.
Good luck!
August 16, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I GIVE UP
FIRST THE GIRL FROM ST PETERSBURG EMPTIED MY BALLS
THEN SHE EMPTIED MY WALLET AND NOW SHE IS TRYING TO EMPTY MY BRAIN. ALL PREMEDITATED TO GET USA CITIZENSHIP AND A FREE FINANCIAL RIDE. KARMA WILL GET HER AND HER STREET SMART BEHAVIOR. MAYBE I SHOULD BLAME THE NAZIS WHEN THEY SURROUNDED THE CITY FOR 2 YEARS DURING WW2 FOR WHAT I ENDED UP WITH!
ACTRESS/SCAMMER/LIAR/LOSER
September 25, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Now I don’t know what to say. The situation can be any and either party’s fault. This plea doesn’t sound like a German victim of revenge. ) More like Vincent Wu’s compendium of Russian vices, explained by the country’s history of chaos and survivorship yet nourished by the author’s own qualities.
With that, I feel offended for the population of St.Pete (reputed as Russia’s capital of delicacy and spirit but, sure, not at all uniform… like London, maybe) – and specifically for those who can be traced back to the Siege that called out inexpressible miracles and routines of heroism for others’ sake!
I guess not only I would appreciate a male reply here.
September 26, 2008 at 4:09 am
Harding:
Please no all caps, we hear you. Sorry for the difficulty; let us consider your letter for clues.
It appears she first emptied your brain; allowing the little head to be emptied next. Yes, you gave “it” up.
Seems the commercial transaction of your desire and her willingness was promptly followed by the presentation
of bill for payment. Looking sort of quid pro quo so far.
As a fellow citizen, I am dissapointed you are not doing more to defend these friendly shores. If it was fraud, make a stink and stop this injustice.
As for Nazis, I defer to “Godwin’s Law” as at this point you conceded any reasonable hope; of being either resonable or having hope.
As to St. Petersburg and the “Blokada,” you are sorely mis-informed. The siege was 900 days, not 2 years. While perhaps this time difference is not significant to you; it was (quite) significant to the locals. And, they were never surrounded as Lake Lagoda allowed the city to be resupplied (in too small measure). 800,000 died, half a million buried in mass graves in a cemetary you pass by on the way in from the airport. This experience refines survival skills, not “street smarts.”
As poorly as your sentence reflected the truth about “The Great Patriotic War (as it is known in St. Petersburg);” is it possible your understanding of what happened to you could be equally flawed?
There are such women everywhere. They await only a willing accomplace; one that will later claim to have been abused. Go to the mirror, take a good look…