Swear a Sure Way to Screw a Relationship with a Russian Woman

…barely awarely. Just with routine American vocabulary. I mean vulgarisms. Words stemming from the pelvic area or loo, such fu(n)kin‘ crap not worth a rat’s ass. Ain’t “anatomy discrimination”: the rest of the body is subject to non-verbal control (see the following post).

Oscar Wilde said, “A gentleman is never unintentionally rude”. A Russian joke extends: “A gentleman would always call a cat a cat, even if he’s stumbled against it and fell down.” And one more: “Surprisingly, researches have proven that blondes prefer gentlemen, too.”

The different meaning of obscenity in “Motherland”

Remember: It Translates.

And in the “Great and Mighty” Russian language, this sort of wordplay is fireplay. The abundance of profane synonyms for “sexual organs”, “intercourse”, “urinating” and “excretion”, together with related matters, plus derivatives for every worldly notion outside the literal biological context (“fu(n)k the fu(n)king fu(n)kers!“), nourish endless scholarly works, and on their own make up a full-weight glossary. (I’ve got one. My ex-would-be-in-laws were writers, keen on various dictionaries.) They range from childish ironical to deadly insulting.

By default, “foul language”, in particular when spoken figuratively, is seen as marker of lowest class, barest breeding, and deepest inferiority complex. (All unfortunately common in the FSU.) Subconsciously it’s used as sort of defensive self-compensation, being “cool & tough”, and able to embarrass the “better-than-thous”. Or an act of relief, belching out venom for the unjustices of life: from dangerous wreck to slightest nuisance, when a dropped screw (nail) makes one feel a loser. Still more commonly, obscene & scatological words are coming out not even in an emotional ejaculation, but as regular pollution… of air (constantly feeling that life sux!). Excuse my pun.

(Namely the last part – so ugly if translated into Russian. Sux indeed.))

One needs to be a finest sample of “intelligentsia” and a Pushkin-level master of verbal art, to juggle with the names of excrements and private parts without sounding dirty. There’s a Russian joke: “What’s the difference between intellectuals and intelligentsia? (“intelligent” in Russian also means “tactful, high-cultured.”) Intellectuals are easy at using the words which intelligentsia are afraid even to think with.” But with all the anti-pious recognition of the “Great’n'Mighty”, a decent person would always make sure if this linguistic exercise would be acceptable to the audience. Normally, this sort of guys brace themselves by the limits of satirical poetry or frank (drunk) conversations on lofty subjects with bosom friends.

Funnily, – just like manners “under substance”, the way one handles obscenities is touchstone of class, personality, virility. Same words can become toads or jewellery, depending on the mouth. Though, when it belongs to a woman, some of these words reveal the frog in a princess, for good.

Oops, this wasn’t fishing for compliments! I’m now “hanging with the guys”, in English, in observance of blogging etiquette. To be honest, when Joseph and I became business buddies in a long acquaintance, I caught us effing casually now and then (especially in creative discussions). Nevertheless, if asked about each other “whether this man / woman uses rude slang”, either of us would testify “Never!” without a moment’s pondering.

Well, I’ve watched, read, seen enough to get accustomed to the American light manner of, errm, adding or substituting words, to discern joe-shmoes from respectable folks, and to learn to think the language. Yet my age peer, one of the Russian couple in charge of IT for our agency, with all her international experience, perceptive nature and mastery of English, winces abruptly from any bit of “filth”. So all folks watch their tongues for her. I observe same clenliness around myself (please don’t tell anyone what I’ve just confessed above!))

In Russian, there are words that “good women” never utter, neither dare “good men” say (nor even let others say!) in the presence of women and children – whoever or whatever is actually addressed. They have been censored out from books and printed media since the Empire times, and bleeped out on today’s TV. Thus, in Russian, taboo words are called “non-censorly” (“outcensored”, outlawed from civil language).

In English, they correspond to the great “F” aka screw, and non-euphemistic slang words for penis and vagina (plus derivatives). There are some more, but either their English counterparts don’t ring alarm bells that hard, or I’ll make special references to them below. All this vocabulary is called “mat” (a neutral term; literally – “frantic yell“, also interpreted as a reference to mother insult – the gravest.)

Note: “your mom” jokes in Russian culture are inappropriate.

No link for “Russian mat” here, guys. Let me finish the lecture before you search the Wiki – sure not for impressing your Russian bride, but to be able to detect aggression from locals, or keep the face if some of them may make fun of you as a foreigner. Should you swear in return? Could get timidly respected (if swear masterly), beaten (if swear deliberately), or derided (if swear as a rookie). For the first variant, better demonstrate the capacity of your native language. But actually, winning is about inner power which, at its utmost, is calm.

Why “not around women or children”? Because of the special charge of venom, striking the most directly susceptive targets.

For ages, millions of people have believed in the positive effect of mantras, brought about not only by their religious meaning but by the very sound of words. Something of comparable negative power might exist, – and Russian “mat”, similarly exotic, claims this place. So enjoy a peculiar “tale with morals”…

Widespread, though disputed, is the concept that the most insulting elements of the Russian “mat” were imported to the old Rus’ by the most devastating Tatar-Mongol invaders. Before the Mongols, the now-forlorn native Russian / Ukrainian sexual vocabulary was used for intimacy, randy humor and religious shame, but not for the offensive.

When I told this to Joseph, he remembered what he’s read about South Amerindians. They used their battle cries as a weapon of its own might. “I read first couple of things they promised to inflict on their enemies and stopped abruptly. I just felt it was un-healthy to read on.”

Many Russian scholars, social, natural and informational scientists believe that the vibes put into “mat” attack the hearer’s (and even the speaker’s) DNA. Popular experiments with water structure by the Masaru Emoto method also showed mat as virtual “verbal radioactivity”.

If words convey ideas and will, ideas and will shape material reality, and they can be heavily charged with emotional energy, – then, logically, speculations about people’s and their parents’ sexual intercourse attack genetical combinations. ) If the perceiver is impressionable, ailments stick. Note that Russian culture has always embraced belief in jinx and evil eye, with its own deal of self-fulfilling prophecies up to death spells. And who are the most impressionable categories of population?..

So, in Russian interpretation, “mat” words and constructions are genuine curses at their worst – and the explanation still leaves a foreign speaker responsible for the meaning of their equivalents in his own language!

On the contrary, Heaven, Hell, their inhabitants, and “Damn’s” provide quite appropriate names to explete strong feelings (although extremely religious Russian people object to bothering God in vain, as well as to mentioning the devil). In our translations of American films, “Sh’t!” is fitly replaced by the consonant [Chiort!] literally meaning a mischievous infernal folk character, positioned as Satan and/or as a rank-and-file gremlin.

Whereas Russian or Spanish profanity is more “sexual”, and English or German – more “excremental”, another point of tension arises.

I have almost physical difficulty typing “shit”, a little easier about “crap”. To me, it just STINKS, more realistically than the abstract kiddy-funny namecall “stink(ing)“. No one faints at the sight of a dropping. But no well-bred Russian woman would let it smeared over another subject, – unless in case of 12-score storm of indignation. (Westerners call this state of mood “pissed off”, and, judging by the colloquial, reach it too easy and often to be granted the degree of manly stability that a Russian or Ukrainian wife-to-be desires. So please wipe off the “piss” and diversify your emotional palette with more gentle tones).

To refer to things we don’t respect enough to call “things”, the Russian language has a huge variety of clean words. They outnumber the “outlaw” expressions from generation to generation. “Stuff” ['shtooka], pl. ['shtooki] is a safe English word to use, even more clean and considerate than the routine Russian slang word [fig-'nya] (countable and non-countable).

A decent Russian, choosing a description for a useless thing or rejectable opinion that he/she “would sneeze on” or, more rudely, “would spit on” (there are also wordings of toilet and sexual nature, but these rate for “How to Lose a Russian Love”), – would not give “a broken dime“, “an eggshell“, or, again, “a fig“ for it.

The unfortunate fruit has shared its name with an offensive sign sometimes commented as “Bite it out” ['nak^sya, 'vykusi]. Being part of folklore, the gesture has mostly dated out, and the remaining idioms became alleviated with a good deal of humor. Middle finger, bent elbow, and phrases like “F- U”, or what you cowboys offer the world to “eat…” or “suck…”, are gravely insulting.

LOL, that’s an idea: if you can’t do without effing, you could replace the taboo roots the Russian way – “Fig you / him / her / them” [fig vam] or ['fig tibe] / ['fig yemoo] / [... yey] / [... yim] = “(Let them) take a fig” – this could be hilarious.

Finally, guys, Fig Off the Ass Thing… errm… Leave the Rear Part Alone. You would NEVER, ever, convince a Russian woman that you could respect her and at the same time say something like, “Get your ass [somewhere]” or “Move your ass“. It sounds rude, period. No matter what, where and how (unless you are settling her on a saddle, teaching her dances, making up a comfy sexual position, such other situation where the location of her buns literally matters.)

All America says so? The worse for America. Reducing a human being to that part of body just presents the nation as if ass-worth. Zadornov again: “In emergency, everyone holds to his dearest. Russians cry out: – Save our souls! – Americans: – Let’s get our asses outa here!”

I could add one more observation: what you call “a pain in the ass”, Russians have called “a headache” (and only recently some came to call it “a hemorrhoid“). Quite a comparison of Comfort v. Consideration.

What else? Originally, Russian insults have been richly based on the animal world. Today’s top insult to intelligence, behavior, personality and morals is “goat” (in men-to-men assaults, this can be regarded as an offence to wash off with blood – as it means “lowest rank, raped” in criminal argot, but women use it freely for all types of jerks). It replaced the old-Slav “dog”. Now “dog” is perceived as milder, but be careful: “b’tch” is far too severe, only forgivable to say in the state of affectation, only applicable to a treacher, or a heartless adulteress. No “b’tching about”, please. What has to do with tough female character, is called ['sterva] (in Slavic, originally meaning “dead cattle”, related to Germanic “predatory demon of death”, but in the modern meaning, the word is sooner taken for a sort of compliment).

Bottom line: to make safe, rely on literary words that go in dictionaries without marks “vulg.”, “obsc.” or like.

Needless to say, that all these verbal and non-verbal expressions I’ve laid down may refer to third parties only, if at all!

And wish you never have a desire to apply them to each other.

Sincerely,

© Comrade Natalia

…bet you should link this post all over! )