“Bad” Body Language: the Filthiest Post on Russian Women & Western Men Interaction

Even if your could-be-bride is a fan of Mr. Bean, – mimicking his manners won’t make you her hero. In the basics of Russian cultivation, grimaces and physiological manifestations fall under certain censorship.

Which makes this post important beyond romantic contacts. However polished the stranger may be…

Slavic norms of public / interpersonal conduct allow much less natural motions than accustomed abroad (especially in America). Some may be judged as, without much exaggeration, crime against civility! And civility’s one of the first virtues which Foreign Men are given credit for.

• Unappetizers

We believe that a “civilized” man, unlike some Former Soviet Union “aborigines”, would, for instance, part with his cigarette before dancing, and with his socks before having sex other than a clothes-on passion turbo.

(Men’s socks, in the Post-Soviet domain, are a notorious “criminal instrument” if : short enough to let skin seen under trousers; added to sandals; lying / hanging in wrong places; smelly; left for the owner’s mate to hand-wash. Alas, this accessory bears least-than-no erotic value, unlike its counterparts for women, Lolita-white or lace black.

Leaving Socks On is associated with not caring to take effort for Her, or, barely better, caring to keep His unkempt feet coated. But Mother Nature’s just: cold feet are more frequently female than male.)

Today, I could amnesty those local guys’ faults, after seeing an American bride-fair-tourist kiss a gal without disposing of his perpetual chewing gum. What unimaginable, emetic contempt! If I were President (which fate I by all means avoid )), would declare him a persona non grata in my country. (what about his partaker? u-hmm… expel her for treason.) But sooner the chap might not have even passed border control…

…for the habit of chewing with his mouth open. This no-no of Eastern European etiquette applies to table manners as well. It’s not Korea where messy eating means complimenting a course. In the FSU, smacking and slurping are aggravating circumstances, or misdemeanors of their own if no food is involved. (As for the specific sound to symbolize a kiss, it is accounted by the ministry of humor.)

Saliva by itself is deemed a substance to control. Even in a kiss (expectedly drier on skin, slicker on jelly coat), drooling repels. As for more mundane communication, a tiniest amount of saliva seen or felt by the vis-à-vis is able to ruin rapport (e.g., if shot out in the course of speech, onto the listener – apology is a must.) Some more subtle regulations arise in routine, addressed below.

Hope no reader feels offended by extreme examples.

But certain cultural challenges, now and then, take many foreigners by surprise…

• My own body – my own business?

Scratching, overtly. Watch a Russian bride: if you spot a fleeting tangential movement, gracefully careless, you’ll hardly ever guess the prosaic purpose that might have triggered it! This skill is easier to learn, prior to conquering Russian vocabulary (else its most important word is going to be [izvineete]). And prepare yourself to drop dead sooner than be seen scratching your pelvic area or its “frontal architectural adornment”. (STD / dermatology patients, please feel unrestrained, and thanks for the warning message.) )

Relief: since you’ve become intimate with your girlfriend, asking or giving a back rub/scratch is a well-known romantic or erotic gesture.

Feet upon a table. A world-publicized “brand”, this pose is more suitable in the circle of friends, in informal setting. But in less familiar company, it makes one of the reasons why Americans in Europe have been stereotyped as superficial and snooty infants. Some Russians remember the folk proverb – pre-Columbian-old, yet I beg your pardon for quoting it – “Let swine sit at table, they’ll get legs upon the table” (close to “given a finger, takes an arm” only minus the latter proverb’s connotation of ruthless greed).

Nowadays many our fellow country people have learnt to take care of their blood circulation by reposing shins upon whatever elevation, except surfaces that come in touch with food. (Yours-truly is typing, reclined with feet bottom-high, and finds it most ergonomical). Still, one should make sure not to tilt feet pointed at anyone, even though clean and groomed or fancy-clad. This is kind of attacking image, charged with arrogance, so the counterpart would have to deal with irritation.

A still more defensive reaction arises inside an observer who’s facing the point of an index finger. (For proof, turn to Allan Pease research in body language, – let alone Chinese interpretations of “energy flows”.)

It is deemed bad manner to use a finger in lieu of a pointer (index – childish if not vulgar, middle – it’s your turn to send us to school, little – a bit pretentious, ring – is it practicable? – odd). But the entire hand would do pretty well.

“Six-seconds rule”. Yes, there exists a Russian joke that “a cigarette picked up quickly after dropping doesn’t lose its taste qualities”, but it plays over the established disgust for taking products from the floor / ground into the mouth or even to the face. Typically, if such a product can’t be washed without deteriorating in quality or appeal (meat, bread, a paper napkin, a cosmetic stick, a cloud of styling foam…), it remains “fallen, thus lost”; if it is big enough, the contaminated side of it is removed. If it can be washed (apple, fork…) but there is no good water at hand, it is wiped carefully, and most likely set aside for later.

This is an exemplar case when the Russian culture rates pride and health above waste. “What, are you/I/they homeless, to eat from under feet? Is this the only piece in the lifetime? Does it cost everything?”

BTW: bread receives particular respect in the Russian / Soviet tradition, that has cherished it as the core survival product created by tremendous and sophisticated work, so no trifling handling is acceptable. Some families don’t even allow themselves to discard bread pieces, remaining or spoiled, otherwise than leaving them to birds.

Yawning with sound, or with mouth open. One of the best-known Russian nursery rhymes is about a pre-school bearcub taught etiquette: “Want to take a hearty yawn – cover muzzle with your paw.” I also recall a Ukrainian tease from my Granny: “The dog had one song, and now you stole it”. The rudeness of reference equals the rudeness of misbehavior. One who can’t master invisible yawning, is expected to hide his/her mouth behind a hand, both hands (if one is not enough), an object handy (like a cup or a newspaper), at least turn away or dive inside one’s scarf, etc.

Yawning in the presence of others is proverbially regarded as a sign of getting bored and tired with their company. If taken in the act, the yawner, so that to avoid appearing disrespectful, should apologize, also briefly mentioning an excuse.

Coughing and sneezing. No problem, if thoroughly covered and directed aside from other people, – although many of them may still feel uncomfortable for fear of infection. This is a special reason why a person going to mix despite of cold or flu is expected to suppress its symptoms by medicines and naturopathic remedies, and – right – follow every outburst (or series of) with a word of apology.

A traditional Russian reply to a sneeze, equivalent to English “Bless you” or French “A votre santé”, translates as “Be healthy” and sounds ['Bootte zda-'rovy] - formal, [Bood' zda-'rov(a)] - informal to a (wo)man. Recently, a more diplomatic reaction is simply to pretend unnoticing.

Burping. Now this is a problem! If it was noticeable, only an “excuseme” can postpone execution… till the repeated offence. (Apology doesn’t presuppose a reply.)

If one can’t control upper or lower gases as long as there is someone else around, it’s time to bother a gastroenterologist.

Comparably charmless is fetching up phlegm from over one’s throat & mouth. The post-Soviet lower-class male population evidently needs an anti-muxorrhea medical campaign. The sounds of expectoration and the sights of spat-over streets make a sufficient reason to emigrate from the FSU for political asylum in Singapore.

LOL, this was quite an insight, why “spit” is used in Russian idioms as a politer substitute for the scatological term (which is so favored in English and which you would hopefully try to hold back after reading the earlier post).

Picking nose. Another Russian taboo imbibed since early childhood. (Though some source stated that such “massage” stimulates brain activity, the land does not expect benefitting from this discovery). Wiping and evacuating nose should be made with a handkerchief or paper napkin, as quietly as possible, preferably out of sight. The sniffing sound and, basically, the motion of the nose is bad manner, too, – though tolerable if delicate. (Could imagine sniffers snorting now.))

Picking teeth. Only with a toothpick, lips shut. (Flossing is a confidential procedure.)

Picking pimples. Skin irritations should be treated correctly with lotions at home or procedures at a beauty salon – but out of sight. Not every horror movie aficionado would appreciate the live sight of peeling wound crust or shedding skin, too.

Picking ears. Ears, presumed to be kept clean, can be poked occasionally – provided that the outcomes of excavation are not shown, and removed neatly.

Flexing finger cartilages. Nothing special, but can send a woman under a train. (Relax, it was a joke after “Anna Karenina” by Leo Tolstoy. Anna’s husband had that habit. In the book, it was a minute detail exacerbating her general sense of annoyance with him. In life, a few people are just individually over-sensitive to the sound.)

• Hospitality vs. Hygiene

Within the Russian realm, there’s quite a scale of attitudes: from taking care to personalize towels and avoid drinking / eating / smoking from same pieces – to taking any such care for “unfriendly squeamishness”.

Different people have different sense of familiarity, private territory, microbiology, and different tactile imaginations. The complication of basic Russian negativism about used things (mentioned in this post) displays itself differently in regard of different things and situations: many women may swap clothes, many hosts may offer antiquated slippers, many friends may pledge their liaison by exchanging accessories that used to seem their parts and parcels…

How to make a plain sailing among all the indentures? Diplomatic protocol is scarcely applicable, so I would rely on common sense.

God bless the fact of Regional Cultural Differences a stranger can refer to, when protecting his/her boundaries and justifying lack of readiness to cross the boundaries of others.

Sure the firstcoming idea is – while in “Rome” (what a pun: Moscow has been self-appointed “the Third Rome”), it is safer to wait and see how “Romans” do, than be the first, say, to grab the others’ belongings (save for helping carry things heavier than a purse) or to extend a bitten chocolate bar, sandwich etc. (very bad manner! If you feel like sharing, use a knife or divisible snacks, and offer a share before starting to use your own one.)

Your girlfriend’s willingness or unwillingness to bite from the same ice-cream or touch the pencil you’ve nibbled may correlate with whether you two have, have not, or would have kissed etc., but not strictly. She may dig the same paella or dive into the same fondue with romantic enthusiasm, and at the same time insist that cakes be cut and bananas broken. Even if you already do without condoms, she is very likely to shun using each other’s haircombs, and would for sure abhor using each other’s toothbrushes (doctors would applaud).

“Breaking Bread Together”

Regardless of haute etiquette, some friends – the younger, the less inhibited – may like to order different food and exchange shares, or deem it acceptable to have a taste of each other’s portion. If the idea is mutually welcome, better find this out at the stage of menu. Would make the experience feel more dignified and partnerly. )

If food be shared, this shall be done before eating starts. Russian breeding includes convictions: it is offensive to offer one’s leftovers to another person, and self-deprecating to eat up after someone else. (“Are-you/I/they-starved-homeless-to-eat-scrap” principle at work.)

At the background, there’s universal logic: Let’s avoid admixtures to the sight and taste of the courses, as well as to the personal microfloras of the diners. (Just why less discipline about beverages is notable?..)

So it would be smart to take extra plate(s) and flatware. If there is no space on the table, no time to make additional orders to the waiter, or no spare items available, then with clean flatware (which hasn’t yet touched if not food then at least a mouth) the giver or the taker transplants the bit, or both may separate the shares on the plates that are to be swapped.

If the giver has already started the portion (and not too much of it has been eaten), it’s for the taker to handle the take. In this case, like at a party where there may occur no separate flatware to share a big course, the taker should care to avoid touching the rest with the used fork or spoon. And if plates be swapped, each one keeps his/her own flatware.

“My home – your home”

First entering a Russian / Ukrainian home, it would be considerate to reach out to put your shoes off, unless the hosts are themselves wearing shoes fit for street. They would either stop you, or offer you some sort of slippers; if there are no slippers or you feel awkward combining them with your attire, you may choose to go without footwear, if the hosts feel comfortable enough about it (they might be not only obliging but particularly self-conscious for unriddable dust).

In typical Soviet and even some post-Soviet families, home parties have been a hilarious sight. Women in evening gowns, with “pompadour” castles of hair, men in suits and ties, all the gang in assorted slippers! Contemporary etiquette, reliant on vehicles and cleansing carpets, discourages offering slippers if the guest didn’t ask for them; then guests walk in their street footwear, or bring clean shoes to change if it was wet / dirty / cold outdoors.

Is it true that Aussies wear same shoes at home and out? Slavs deem street dust more verminous than home dust, so a Russian / Ukrainian wife is going to introduce some change.

Ideally, in local households each dweller’s towels, mugs, slippers and bed linens are individually designated, and not interchanged between users nor with items for guests; the number of towels, meant for different parts of body, is plus-minus similar to the international kit. Sometimes personalization expands even over tableware. Whatever the general “accuracy / mess quotient” of the home, this aspect of personal hygiene would be preserved.

Preparing to invite a potential mate… At least on the stage before first sex between you two, all things to come in touch with liquids must be separate: one per person. If you “have done it” already, – however romantic it is to cuddle within one towel or to get her purring softly inside your bathrobe, new (or at least fresh) items available to the guest stipulate the host’s sound standing, care and generosity.

A challenge exists not to appear too often open to visitors of opposite sex, or too soon anxious to make yourselves part of each other’s life. In international romances, it is easier to present the guest items as “spare / extra of the same kind” or “bought specially for you dear” (sure, of no lesser quality), ’cause everything is planned in advance, for a long enough stay, and hopefully with serious prospects. (One can allude to Feng Shui so fancied among Russian women. It tells that leaving space and storing personal items for the Future Mate helps to invite him/her into the house.)

Anyway, to many women there’s no homewear like their men’s shirts. If she picks your yesterday’s shirt Next Morning, or asks for another one (implied: used but fresh) in lieu of negligee or to do some housekeeping / home improvement, it’s a flattering gesture of togetherness.

The loved one’s sweat is often perceived as an extreme turn-on (nature being older than civilization), when fresh from a healthy body and relevant to context. If physique is compromised, there is more reason to try prevent not only authentic smells but even perspiration itself.

Reviewing “before” and “after” bedtime shower rules from the point of intimacy, a couple can flex them without guilt, if someone is reluctant to let the other lose his/her unique scent before sex, or to part with the other’s imprint afterwards. Isn’t there some letdown feeling when your partner restlessly hops up and rushes away into water as if to blot out radioactive dirt? Even falling right asleep could appear more flattering )

“Pure Love”

I heard Americans denote the stage of Genuine Intimacy in a relationship by loss of toilet shyness. Ouch! In Russian mentality, this would mean the stage of Disinterested Disregard, “the beginning of the end”. We associate romance with certain idealization and self-discipline, aimed to let not familiarity breed contempt. On this aim, my Grandma, who was brimming with rare Ukrainian folklore, used to say: “Don’t show your husband your entire arse, but half by half.” ))

“Heroes” and “heroines” don’t specify what they are going to do when they leave for a maintenance outage, and furthermore – they commit to spare others from hearing or guessing discharge / emission to happen… even from seeing the traces of life processes on each other’s underwear.

When Joseph and his Siberian ex-wife were living in a place with thin walls, she always opened running water to screen away the sound of her toilet activities. When reproached of waste, she said: “My dignity and your respect cost more than this water”. Joseph, a devout economist he is, recalls this story with unfading admiration.

I instantly remember one anecdotal Russian couple. Him: “I’ve fallen in love with my wife after our first date, for her big, sparkling, mysteriously tragic eyes of a baby doe.” Her: “I’ll never forget our first date. It was long and absorbing; so, through all the time we were standing by my home, I nearly cried, my urinary bladder bursting.”

Since we’ve lingered on this sensitive topic… Here’s one peculiar Russian travel note, worth knowing to avoid a cultural shock at the sight of toilet basins with shoesoleprints on the rim (or to understand the living irony of an announcement in the lavatory by a skating ring: “Dear customers, please don’t climb on the basin in your blades!”) Yogi practice the “eagle” position for proper evacuation; the Former Soviet Union has been santechnically equipped just slightly better than India (until most recent catch-ups of advanced city life).

Hey, wanna reconcile the most burning global gender debate – In Which Position Should the Toilet Seat be Left? An accurate and equitable solution is: “Under the lid”.Some research found out that joint showers and helping each other to wash hair, to dye it, or to bikini-shave, are helpful in keeping couples together for longer years (and I’ve got grounds to believe it).

What about exhibiting other bathroom routines?

Brushing & styling hair is pretty nice (provided that the dandruff and hair-shedding factors are negligible).

Brushing teeth - a risky show, must look and sound top accurate.

Man can lose a girl (like vice versa) to his (her) fear of dentists, against the pan-Western trend prioritizing impeccable smiles. Rotten teeth are #1 marker of low class. Frontal stains & splints need seamless restoring, to project good health. Lost teeth may suggest having fought people, been beaten for a reason, or lost the battle with age. In-and-out dentures are patented love-killers. Alas, not all cases are reparable with dental implants. Can one conceal a jaw prosthesis from homemates for decades? At least the item and the gap if not the fact? My Grandfather managed to… Throughout my childhood, he made me think him occasionally lisp just for fun. And better braces for a year than a clutter of twists for ever. This problem is even easier to solve from the lingual side, unlike “horse” teeth.

Many foreigners travel to Kiev medical clinics to be treated with American / European technology & materials for Ukrainian prices, made affordable at the cost of work, I even know where not at the cost of mastery and care.)

Shaving, aftershaving, washing face, annointing skin – many Slavic women like to watch their men’s rituals, and find it mutually arousing and endearing. Fellow-countrymen, few, like to see their women applying creams and even makeup (depends on creams and makeup), but most hate the sight of beauty in the making (which is, by the great part, indeed far from appetizing).

NB: You won’t get a Russian woman wash up from the plugged sink: face and hands – even on pain of death, and possibly dishes likewise. For the sink is where all the dirt goes. It’s also recommendable not to let her see you doing so. Ironically enough, this analogy does not apply to bath, provided no one thinks up to take it “Gypsy way” – in shifts. )

Manicures & pedicures: well, you probably have your own opinion if and when a woman is looking cute in the process. Women, in their turn, prefer to enjoy the result as if coming naturally. “Man can be practical and worthy, Yet care to have perfected nails”, Pushkin wrote centuries ago; still, time passing, a guy manipulating his nails and cuticles in front of others is associated with the image of disrespect, nervousness, narcissism, or gayness (note that the FSU is a homophobic society).

Plucking / epilating any place - undemonstrable, to both sexes.

Tools should not be borrowed. Else the joke comes up: “Your razor is OK! Are you telling me your stump is harder than our floorcloth?” – Same happens to nail kits. Hair- and tooth-brushes already mentioned.

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…Phew! Finally have delivered another of the announced post drafts! )

Sincerely,

© Comrade Natalia

(please reward the effort with a link, if using this info ;)