Responding to discussion on this must-read by Master GL, here’s an overview of, errm, “Russian Woman (TM) Communicator”, from home production to foreign handling.
Beg your tolerance to my debris of radioelectronics )
- Childhood: Wired as Hi-Fidelity
The first thing that little children are taught here, is to speak truth. This habit turns out very organic. Indeed, why bundle oneself with lies, only to store them in memory, to make consistent sense all the way, and to bend one’s actual nature to a make-belief?
A couple of proverbs. Russian – “A lie is sewn by white threads”, i.e. recognizable by any smart person. And Ukrainian – “You can lie your way around the world, but not back”.
Collectivism reverberates in the tradition of hushing the young. Kindergarten kids exchange rhymed retorts to “I” and “me”. From adults, a child who’s just opened his/her mouth to voice a need or an opinion, has chance to hear a unique snap: “”Я” is the last letter of the alphabet!” Sometimes the only reason for this sentence is the instructor’s (parent’s) own fatigue or fat ego.
This is very Soviet – ignoring the English alphabet, supportive to I-ndependent I-nitiative, and even Church Slavonic Cyrillics, where “Az” is the very first letter. )
What’s left, if the kids have not turned a “deaf ear” to discipline? Optimistically, Active Listening. But not the notorious mechanistic sales pattern. Russian ideal of “Listening and Hearing” means sincere perception, learning, and the gift of care, approval, interest, friendship, and complaisance.
- Noble Maiden Corps: Spyware
Advanced course for ladies would be: Listen more, say less – Especially around men. This isn’t necessarily associated with any prospective “relationship”. Basically it’s daily diplomacy standard for the comfort of all. Let alone the detective value of this art. But there’s still more about it.
(Supremacists would be disappointed.)
- “Every man likes to talk, especially about himself”. So the woman’s own ears become the main thoroughfare to a male heart. How else? Beauty is skin-deep; sexual gratification, if relevant, is treasured the more, the later deserved. And one just can’t attack man’s stomach with her specialty pies and soups bolt from the blue! )
- In her turn, Talking Too Much threatens to dispel Mystery, an essential attribute of “Real Woman”. Even if her life may be an inexhaustible fountain of impressions and riddles, – overwhelming a man with more answers than questions he’s imagined, she is at risk of losing his drive for further exploration. Still more trouble if her stock of surprises feels limited. Plus, no human is perfect… but a Russian woman is expected to be. )
Still the dream of Absolute Mutual Understanding between “Mars” and “Venus” somehow survives.
- Expressing more things later would help the speaker convey them “on the wavelength” most agreeable to her addressee. This promises rapport. Whereas haste can waste everything. “Word no sparrow, can’t catch it when flown away”.
- “A quiet voice makes one listened to”. Notably, some Russian ladies, as well as some powerful gentlemen, the angrier they get, the softer they sound, even down to whisper. To perceptive audience, the effect can be more impressive than military commander shouting.
Others – and even same – can be quite vocal at times, though. It’s not about imposing ego issues. Such conduct, addressed in this comment, may be a natural surge of energy, an expression of excitement, of pain, or an attempt to emphasize the importance of the message ostensibly ignored.
Anyway, Russian daily social etiquette requires that, around strangers, the loudspeaker is off and the output volume turned down.
So, if your charming counterpart has told you something, it most probably means she has considered it as worth transmitting – and it’s worth consideration even if it came up spontaneously.
Told… or shown? Deep in their hearts, these women dream of mutual understanding “without words”. In practice, where they think that verbalizing could sound impolite or intrusive, they feel freer painting with subtle shades – intonations, micromimics, body language, elusive answers.
Unfortunately, many guys, encouraged by warm welcome, turn out to over-indulge in permanent flow monologues. If two Russian “Venuses” can speak in a stereo duet, remaining interactive, flexible and cheerfully respectful, a “Martian”, East or West, would rather switch the current from his ears to his tongue, and take offense at an attempt to insert a line (if noticed).
Some haplessly considerate person has coined a cool reset passcode: “Sorry… Did you mind my speaking while you’ve been interrupting?” No less than a minute of attention guaranteed.
CAUTION! Monopolizing the microphone can impair performance and cause damage. Why was the Runaway Bride escaping? She got to know everything about her boyfriends, but they had barely learned the real her, and made proposals based mainly on her mirror talent.
On the other hand, many men get cynically trapped by the flattery of “passive admiration”. Too simple trick? Hunters tell that the biggest heathbird can be caught with bare hands when belling.
- Now Together: Radio Connection
Since a Russian woman regards her man as her best friend, she may now and then go on communicating in the default “girls mode”, i.e. enjoying process above result. Here comes the main software conflict, preset by biology hardware. Male vs. female – hunter vs. gatherer, telescopic vs. panoramic, or…
“News anchor” vs. “DJ” juggling dozens of tracks, developing new themes only to move on with the previous ones. The content can be quite revealing, or amusing, or routine, or jamming white noise (no pun on hair color intended).
“Businessman” vs. “Belletrist” – you expect a straightforward agenda: question, goal, timing, conclusion, plan, result. But what is she driving at and when is she going to be there?! And oh those details & emotional colors.
Before you get irritated, define the genre, and you’ll know the parts.
* What-I-see-is-what-I-sing
Many women know the bliss of amiable silence, but feel responsible for pauses and obliged to keep the mate entertained, – till they learn to detect when there’s no need to “fill the gaps”. To tune down this frequency, once and for ever or gradually, it suffices to let her know that you are feeling comfortable by virtue of her very company, that “she’s a person so good to be with – even without words”.
As emergency “OFF”, you can co-invent some polite code phrase(s) for the case when one needs to be left alone with his / her thoughts.
In sex, for what I’ve known on the subject, more “play narrators” occur among men than women. Neither should take offence of a gentle laugh “You are distracting me!”
* Road show
She is not loading all the problems on you! Her “thriller” may be intended to report you how featly she has coped, to prove how devoted she is, or to share like friends do.
When she seeks your support, it’s not necessarily an S.O.S. for active trouble-shooting in your Real Man style. (Russian women treat men’s “heavy artillery” sparingly.) She may need much less: just a relief when she’s tired, a shoulder to cry on, or direction to her thinking process.
Unlike a man who only voices a thought when it’s ripe, a woman solves a problem in the course of formulating it. Broadcasting the ongoing work of mind to someone is keeping it off repetitions and distractions.
Next time she starts a long story, ask if she needs help, advice, or simply compassionate listening and encouragement. Often her message would be like “I just had a hard day, and by your side I feel loved and protected”.
Though it would never hurt to speak and show love as “preventive maintenance”. Or the device may start bugging “Do You Love Me”.
* Interview
Showering you with questions, she is least willing to doubt your authority, competence or strength. Her agenda is:
(1) To know you better, and to learn something new in life.
(2) To express love the way she was taught – by motherly anxiety and compassion instead of leaving alone. (Unfortunately, Russian men provide examples of daily need in “mothering”.)
(2) To be useful – sometimes even an irrelevant trifle and a glance from outside can help achieve an efficient solution.
And yes, to make sure that you appreciate her care, that there’s still love and peace in the family, and that there’s nothing so threatening that it makes you keep her in information isolation.
(Sigh) OK, call this “control”, if you so desire.
Too deeply feminine to eradicate, this pattern can be made bearable. If all is well, only that you are tired, – home is not the place to wear the iron mask: relax, let her feel what’s going on. If there are problems (better call them “questions” or “issues”, non-disturbing synonyms to an Eastern ear) that she cannot assist in, a normal Russian / Ukrainian woman would understand an explanation that you’re solving some tasks, developing ideas, etc., and they are easier to get done than explained in full detail, so you need some time for concentration.
Your work is your business: if hers is “courtesy interest”, it would subside. But serious interest can become an asset for you.
Matters that influence family life require transparency and respect given to both sides’ opinions. And this may be enough: it’s easy for an Eastern European woman to support the leader, lest a decision is too contrary to her or her close relatives’ interests.
Just a joke. An Uzbek is marrying a Ukrainian woman. “Listen: when I come home wearing my tubeteika aslant, I’ll be kind to you, make love to you, give gifts to you. But when you see my tubeteika tilted to my brows, beware! I can berate you, beat you, drive you from the house.” She replies: “Listen. When you come home and my arms are folded at my chest, I’ll be kind to you, make love to you, give tasty dinner to you. But when you see my arms akimbo – I don’t give a damn about your tubeteika!”
In the hi’ end, it’s all about case-by-case compatibility. To everyone, there is an individual comfort zone in terms of kilobyte per second, day, hour, and in degrees of interference. A couple succeeds when their rates fall together well. In matching, we are dedicating quite a studio equalizer to parameters of communication and personal space. )
Long live peace and friendship between the nations!
Sincerely,
© Comrade Natalia
(please link this page around! ;)
