The Bride Vendetta: How to Make a Russian Girl “Kill Bill”

Read prior to speaking love, appointing visits, and getting too many women! ) Risks range from bad international record to physical revenge. Just don’t ask me to spill the sources of Insider Information translated…

• Homicide: Russian brides exchange “dossiers” on Western men

- I’m in contact with **** ********. He texts me every day. Is there any current “bride” of his?

- Girls, don’t touch him!!!! Such a rare goat. Hangs out at several sites by several names: ****, ** or ****. Corresponds with several girls, serious with each, already ready to marry each. :-)))) Texts them every day, like, “want you in my arms”. We’ve had a lengthy online romance, till I suddenly found him “in love” with an acquaintance of mine, too.

We decided to spoof him. Guess what? He was sending such cute identical SMS to both of us. Likewise with letters. Is he nuts or having fun this way?

- Yicks! I haven’t ever seen him, and he writes so as if we’ve been intimate. Pledges love, wants kids right away :)) Plans to visit me in March. Beat me on the head but I can’t understand how to fall in LOVE by one photo.

- Don’t fret, he blabs a lot, and “coming soon” is his main trump. He has planned to meet me and my friend at the same time, at far apart places. I wonder how. ))) Sure he never appeared: postponed the trip all the time, referring to his work, to his wish to “wait and check feelings”, and so on. He should first visit a good shrink for his split personality, ))) if this could help. You decide if you want to waste your time. So much for my talking about him.

- Could be one of those self-anointed scam finders. If a girl drops him, she’s a scammer; if she welcomes his announcement of a visit, he’s no longer interested.

- Yeah. How about those who do arrive, take a picture with you “as proof for fiancée visa” or “for memory”, only to show off to friends “how I’m having good time in Russia”. Takes a friend to the date, professes love undying almost in his presence, then calls no more, or on “tomorrow I’m leaving” instead of “tomorrow”.

- Baby, baby. 0:-) If one doesn’t get sex on the first-second night, he waits no longer. “Realists” give you chance till the end of their stay. If you have an “international conflict”, you may find your photos posted with an ad “Hot Russian Blonde Ensures Luscious Leisure”.

- Yes, we are at risk. But so are they. Poor things, sitting over there, and racking their brains on who is who. We suspect a maniac in everyone, but how many foreign visitors to Russian brides get missed in action?

• Assassination: Virtual bride at your door – “mail order” delivered!

- Ladies, meet a new classical “trench shooter” – ******** ****, Austria, Graz, 49. ******** of ****** authority and a local jazz band conductor. All facts confirmed. Declares “No children” in his profile, has 4. Used to pursue our communication actively, and, since I’m going on vacation to Austria, we have discussed our meeting. “I’ll show you Vienna and Graz, take you to our concert, I’m looking forward to you!” and blah-blah-blah.

But as soon as I’ve got the visa… “Oh, I won’t be able to come to Vienna” (1.5 hours’ drive). Does not react to SMS, does not pick up the phone. Familiar picture, isn’t it?

- 100% he’s long and toughly married. They think it’s so easy – fly online like an eagle, get a soul spa course, devour a ton of your time, mind and feelings, and get off scot-free. If we can clear the Web off at least one such player, let’s do it.

- First I felt like telling him all that I think of him. But decided to adhere to expert advice from this site. :) I wrote him that I can get to Graz by myself… And when I arrive to Vienna, I would send him texts: “Getting on the train to Graz”, “At the station”, “Looking for your street” – let him squirm!

- Good idea. These liars are too much pain! But he’d probably flee on a holiday together with his 4 kids and 1 wife. Don’t tell the exact date of your arrival, just write him you want to make a surprise and to get exactly to his place. Sadism, I know, but “as you sow, you shall mow”. Didn’t he write he’s looking forward? P-i-p-e-r!

- We’re waiting for the travel report. Unless you are to hear, “Oh darling, I’m torn away from you, – missioned to New Zealand”.

- If he says he’ll be away, tell him you’ll visit anyway, and pass him a souvenir through his neighbors! From his Russian bride. Or just ask if they know where the herr has gone, the herr who’s awaiting his fiancée from Russia. And drop a note into his mailbox, with regrets for missing the appointment.

- I’ve played such a trick with my own “deceased” groom: left him a phone message that I’m happy like crazy that he’s “resurrected”, and that I’ll sure find him, on a business trip. I also gave his number to other damsels. Mister Romeo has relocated!

- Wow, what cost! Any skeptics left who don’t belief in afterlife? Has he gone far away?

- To another city. I had published my story at the site of Chicago Russian-speaking diaspora. Everyone knows everyone there. It’s from this site that people told me he’s alive, gave me his details (I only had his email), and also told his wife about his pranks.

- He who thinks that Internet gives anonymity is a fool. Oh girls, I wish we could broadcast the lesson to all potential “trench shooters”!

- Cool! I want to see Graz anyway. Such a beautiful old town. Two hours by train, no problem. I also know when and where their concert is! Something keeps me from going to his office. (Is this called “conscience”?..)

…Now I’m sure he is married. Even if not to the mother of the children (already grown up). I was given a red flag at the beginning, as I recollect. When we discussed their concert, I asked: “How am I to get back to Vienna at 11 PM?” A normal man would say, “Stay at my home, I won’t be harassing you. Next day we see around Graz and drive to Vienna.” This fellow answers, “I’ll give you a lift to Vienna.” What man would miss a chance to stay together? Only one who lives not alone.

- This odd female logic… Invites you at home – bad, does not – double bad. :) “My business is to offer, your business is to refuse”?

- Alas, “trench shooters” are incurable. It’s decent men who’d keep away, at the safe side. Let’s spend energy looking for THEM…

- Report: I’m in Vienna, but the heat is +37 Centigrade. Three hours by train, plus the town distance… He is not worth such strain, – except for my looming text messages. >:-] But lo, have a laugh! All of a sudden, I got an American acquaintance. If they are all like that, this nation is doomed! :-x The full kit: dumb, conseited, self-assured, fed to slaughter, stingy every step, and double dumb.

He introduced me to his buddies this way: “This is my Russian friend. She is Communist and Mafiosi.” (Two in one!) I asked him why would he call me so, he answered it’s their national American joke.

• Bloody Murder: “How to Set Up a Married Lover” (C) Natalia Radulova

“What the!.. Once upon a time I have met a normal guy, and suddenly his wife is coming home. He even starts stuttering at this news. “K-k-kkk”, he says.

I rise from the chair, pour myself more tea, and he still can’t calm down. “K-k-kkk”, e basta. “Krotov?” – I ask. – “No, Vinogradov” (now I have exposed him!) “K-kitten. My wife is coming. You have to go.”

I sure take no pride in finding myself on a date with a married man. To my defense, I can say that there’s a category of men who see no necessity in disclosing their family standing to an acquaintance.

They smile, say compliments, complain on their boss, take you home for a cup of tea, cup your hand with their palm, and then – oops! – their spouse calls and inquires: “Zyuzichka, do we have bread? I’ll be home in 10 minutes.”

No, I’m not complaining. Could be worse: I might have learned the status of my suitor from his Second Half dragging me out of the bed by the hair. So everything’s just fine. Took my time, had a talk, deposited some sweets. “Right, – I say, – gotta go.” (Never seen a coat offered with such speed. Pretty pleasant.)

Next day he called as if nothing had happened: “Would we meet today?” I almost chuckled at such cheek. “Why need I? I don’t go out with the married.” And hung up.

Not that I’m so lofty, but I really can’t get it. Loving a married man, unless you’re a masochist, is impossible.

Suffice to imagine, at the most romantic moment, that this very night he comes back home and kisses his destined. Or, like in Woody Allen’s play, “When his sperm hits him in the head, he calls you: “Pussy-cat, drop everything, drop in, I urgently need to come and to complain on my wife.”

Casual sex won’t work, – the darned “human factor” would be there anyway. And if I managed to switch off the human senses, why have a lover then? A vibrator is more reliable. It would also stay with you on the New Year night… Ditto, this is my long-time principle: to abstain from strong drinks, simple carbs, and married men.

Though there are women, Lord save them, who not only adore their married partners, but even believe in the perspective of such relationships.

They strain memory and fantasy to quote cases when an affair of a married man and a lonely woman has resulted in a wedding. They are bombarded with hundreds of opposite examples, but repeat the mantra: “If Angelina Jolie has taken Brad Pitt from his wife, then it is possible in principle.”

But I am no Angelina, and “Krotov”-Vinogradov is a far cry from Brad. So why bend over backwards?

I should pay justice to my failed lover. After my refusal to date the married, he sent me an SMS: “This is discrimination!” Then shelled me with another dozen of texts, arguing that I don’t realize my luck. In his opinion, adultery is awfully convenient for the unengaged. “Especially for those girls who like daytime sex”, – he specified.

Not that I renounced my principles at once, but this original viewpoint got my interest. So I took effort to poll all my female acquaintances who used to have relationships with men of this kind and not only hadn’t suffered but also took pleasure in it.

“An affair with a married man. What the fun?”

I thought I’d hear, “Oh, dear, you’ll finally have a good reason to cry over movies”, but it turned out…

“Just very entertaining. Life with a proper partner is sweet and stale. But if a married suitor occurs, you let your twisted sister out. You can cover your lips with red lipstick and leave a stamp on his white shirt. You can hide his tie and socks. Sprinkle the seat in his car with your perfume. And the classic of the genre – put your panties into his pocket. It’s like bungee jumping. Or roller-coaster. Or dyeing hair from brunette into blonde – not lethal, but the outcome is unpredictable. Incredibly refreshing. Same as to him – the fact that he commits adultery on the spousal bed.”

Some girls, I found out, have a knack for such provocations. To get a dose of adrenalin, men conquer the Everest, sky-dive, walk around with running nose (i.e. withstanding flu), – and women leave their hairs at pillows, then retreat to ambush and look what goes on.

One left an imprint of scarlet lips in the man’s passport, right over the stamp of marriage registration, – which contributed to subsequent dissolution of this marriage. Another, while the guy was asleep, took a marker and wrote upon his back: “I have Katya”, – Marina the wife got a pleasant surprise. The third pervert used auto-tanning cream instead of massage cream. The fourth had simply clawed her lover’s shoulders so as he had to take likes to pajamas and dislikes to his marrital duty for the same term.

This rodeo can last on and on, one crocked steed changed for another. Not one of them can stop this vicious game.

Only mistresses can get in each other’s way. Like in Ildiko von Kürthy’s book “Blue Miracle”: “I knew what I was doing. Panties under the sofa cushion – 100%. For a second, a thought flashed about smearing the bottom of the cushion with a mixture of egg white and natural yoghurt, but it felt disgusting even to myself – this was consolatory, as a proof of my remaining (more or less) within the borders of reason. Holding my personal flag (the panties), I lifted the cushion and almost fainted with horror. Beneath the cushion, lay an apricot bra. Nightmare! Apricot and mallow – this spring’s most fashionable colors… Someone has decided to mark the territory? Third woman in the game? I tried my luck under the next cushion and even felt some relief, finding free space for my panties.”

Now listen. “Krotov”-Vinogradov called again. Broadcasting from the bathroom, for fear of his wife’s overhearing. “C’mon, why be so prim? – he whispered. – No more such mishaps with the wife. She won’t know anything, don’t worry.” This statement made me smile again. “Why should I worry?” – I also wanted to add something like: “Cheating on your wife, Zyuzichka? Allrightie. The hoaxer would be hoaxed twice.” But while I was formulating, the subscriber hung up, hastily uttering: “B-b-b-bye, Ivan Semenovich”.

What the!..”

• Now imagine what a betrayed Russian WIFE can do…

oh, for all sakes better don’t. )

Translation: © Comrade Natalia

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