A Russian Wife as a Natural Disaster: “Idiot Savant” on Alien Turf, or Higher Comfort – Lower Gravity

Omission & presumption of “default” routine procedures wreck more international marriages than cultural barriers do. Honest well-wishing care does not inoculate us from screwing up. “She’s a novice – you’re the boss” is but an illusion of control.

Ask Joseph. ) With experience like his in Russian / Ukrainian travels, relationships and business, you won’t need a Buddhist course in tranquility.

Your native Consumer’s Paradise and your woman’s native Consumer’s Purgatory impose different gravity. Former Soviet people may need time to accommodate physical effort they are used to applying to mechanisms, to quit “household tips” on inventive use of handy means, and sometimes to unlearn pushing on people (though unobtrusive politeness is recommended to foreigners in Eurasia, too). Plus they have to master the “space technology” of Western legal regulations and forms where every word, action, or omission has consequences.

German customer in a Russian shop: – Where is the exit? The note on the door says “Closed”! (Its opposite side that reads “Open” is facing the street.)
In a Russian hotel: – Where is the light switch? – In the wardrobe. – ?! (The wardrobe was put by the wall where the switch was. Then they cut a hole in its back side to access the switch.)
Zadornov’s notes

• Patching the Mindware Conflict

Like a curious character in folk tales, a Russian woman would inevitably break the rule “Follow Instructions, Don’t Think”. Russians take great pride in thinking, even though they may act before taking a second thought. They usually overlook instructions, always try out a “better way” to skin the cat, and tend to explore functional possibilities of things by what they call the Method of [Scientific] Poke (the Rule of Thumb).

Alternative? There are Russian women (usually of elder generations) who won’t touch something that looks unfamiliar, fragile, costly, financial, technical, electronic, software, etc., or belongs to other people, with a ten-foot pole. Even if permitted and explained half a dozen times. Even if in urgent need to handle it without assistance. Sometimes they procrastinate even if relied on.

Naturally Russians have coined another saying: “Did as better, got as usual.” When your wife, girlfriend, or even business contact from the Former Soviet Union makes something unpleasantly unexpected, you both feel let down, having acted in best faith.

“She did not respect my word so as to trust my knowledge of situation!” – “He did not consider me worth of explanations and capable of understanding them!” –} “I’m so mad because I’m sorry, but it was your fault, because I had reasons to rely on, because I meant no wrong and please don’t think bad of me!”

Hosting an alien partner accustomed to a different milieu is like raising a kid. You can’t wrap all corners with cotton wool. You can’t spend all the time lecturing. But you must provide basic ideas of safety requirements and normative behavior. She shall get some bruises and break some china anyway. She would act stupid and stubborn, attempting to prove “grown up”. And she will learn.

* Show and Comment. Usher her into your life. You have started a journey together, and it’s natural to communicate on anything you come across. City jungle or a tour around the house, it can be taken no less romantically than exotic travels in adventure books. Unchain your inner Leader and Protector, and accept her own powers of teaching and care.

* Don’t take her as a savage ignorant of “civilization’s achievements”. She may indeed feel self-conscious of material and technical disparity – or turn out shamingly savvy. In any case, a condescending attitude of the Great White Man’s Burden is most harmful to East-West relations.

* To relieve the mutual awkwardness of educating an adult on such elementary level as demonstrating use of an electric switch or storage of knives, refer to this as Language Practice! When you share the wording of stuff and operations, you can act as a team even at distance (“Honey please go and…” / “I’m calling because the comp has frozen, what shall I do?”) or involve third parties’ help (e.g. call for a plumber), and the guest no longer depends on the host chaperoning every step.

• Sometimes you have to save each other before pointing at the threat:

“Did you know about waste disposal? – Joseph asked. I only remembered the program of separate bins for different materials, barely introduced in the FSU. – No, it’s a special device in the kitchen sink, processing scraps and bones with a sound as if something’s wrong in the pipe. So thought Valeria, my Russian wife (ex-wife), when I discarded an eggshell. So she tried to shove it through with a knife. “STOP!” I yelled. She gave me an offended glance, going on as she would. When I pushed her aside, she looked at me the way that made me feel the meanest man in the world, to have no business around women. But the knife was going to break into pieces, one of them to be found in her head!”

Surrendering initiative in apparently simple routine situations is still harder for a man, but equally important when he is a foreign visitor.

“Valeria was waiting in the cab while I had to drop in to my hotel. As we had been talking in English, the driver took her for a foreigner. He dialed his pals and suggested in Russian that they come over to the next point on the route and rob us. When I returned, she took me by the arm and insisted that we should pay the fare and say goodbye, for our plans had changed. – But why? – Please do it, – she pressed. How was she supposed to explain at the moment?”

• Sometimes it takes brief indoctrination in advance:

* “In America, you can do everything, but have to pay for it. This is our idea of liberty. It’s safe when you go by the rules, but there are all sorts of punishments for the undisciplined, and all sorts of swindlers to take advantage of the unaware. As you know, free cheese is only in the mousetrap.

Say, when you are offered some incredible economy or bonus on phonecalls, it’s going to turn out a clumsy long-term plan with hidden costs, and huge penalties for canceling. And if they peddle something to you in the street or on the phone, cut off! It’s all scam for lonely baboushkas.

For goodness, darling, don’t accept any deals without my consulting, till we’ve explored together how everything works, time by time, as occasions would occur to discuss all the specifics.”

* “There are security cameras in such and such places. In many countries, if you break traffic rules, they send the ticket to your home address and summon you to court if you don’t pay.

Other people, even neighbors, colleagues and friends, may telltale to police when they see or hear such and such things.”

* “Things must be done just on time, otherwise we lose rights or incur penalties. The term for such and such is this. No earlier, no later.

All other numbers must conform to the requirements, too. Especially money and what can cost money. It’s like in accountancy. “Less” may give you no economy, and “more” may give you no allowance. Either way, you lose.”

Related post: “Russian Inaccuracy and the Order of Magnitude“

• Sometimes you need to make sure she knows…

(just make sure you’ve told her once, that you don’t know what products are present at her home market, so may she pardon your preaching):

* “These foods / medicines must be stored [this way]. Please don’t expose them to light / heat / cold. Else they will get spoiled in [minutes]. And this ointment is rare / expensive / takes prescription to get.”

Russian family scene: – Sweetheart, where is the sugar? – It’s so simple to find! In the coffee tin, with the label “Chamomille”.
(Variations unlimited)

* “Now it’s cleaning day, time to share the chores. / What d’you say you made that stain with? This surface is cleaned with this special substance. Please take no other. Else it will get damaged.”

Swiss husband comes home and finds another man in his wife’s bed. The lover rushes to the bathroom; the husband follows. The wife hears a scream, “NOOOO!” She runs up, to see the lover with a towel, and the husband moaning: “No! This one is for the face!”
(This sort of accuracy is like many Russian women.)

* “This substance is toxic. [It’s for such and such purpose.] It has to be washed off with much clear water, without soap or whatever. Avoid inhaling it / touching it with bare hands.”

Likely she will study the inscriptions, to the extent of her English, and come up to discuss peculiar details, unmentioned instructions, and scary effects.

* “This knife is for carving fillet. This one is for peeling fruits; you can try this vegetable peeler instead. The can opener lies here. Here is the nutcracker; knife-tips won’t last long in this role. Home & gardening tools lie there. Only these scissors can cut wood or metal. This scrap can be used as prods and wipes… (Allusion to my own allergy to clumsy help in home improvement.) Please, don’t experiment. You’ll find specialized tools very convenient. No, very soon you’d be grabbing the right one automatically.”

* “Have you handled a model like this? [Great; just in case,] it works this way… Please always push this button to put it off after use. Else the mechanism gets lax / details may break / settings are lost / the programming fails / program bugs accumulate.”
“Let it rest for at least 15 minutes after an hour of use.”
“Don’t pull the plug out of the socket. It won’t save much on electricity, but would stress the device.”
“No, it may not break instantly, once you forget, but let’s not try to find out when it would.” “Why, use it! Yes, it can be fixed. Don’t worry so!”

Many Russian women have a borderline phobia of electric appliances to burst or set on fire. It is well grounded by the behavior of Soviet houseware.

• Sometimes you ought to clarify the “IF”, “THEN”, “ELSE” regardless of her apparent competence.

When I was a child, Gramma was pesting me with all sorts of survival do’s and don’ts. – “Else what?” – I wondered in return.

This time Joseph and I guessed I was knowledgeable enough to make proper use of his debit card, in order to cover some business expenses in his absence.

I wish I had been a proper “savage”. But I had managed a handful of card accounts at different Ukrainian banks, and relied on solid reasons to be sure that “overdraft protection” meant “you are not able to withdraw more money than is allocated on your card, unless you’ve got an overdraft limit opened – which is allowed, under special agreement, on a credit not debit card”.

Many urban people in the FSU receive their salaries and wages – however modest – via corporate cards, and more would.

With your salary or deposit interest on a Visa, MasterCard, Maestro issued in Ukraine, when you enter a figure that, with bank commission added, would exceed the amount you own (or the limit you’ve set on a Visa Gold, secured by your deposit), an ATM says: “Oops – no money! Order less or say bye-bye!” Same rule applied to my sole proprietor account operated via checks: from 3 apples at the shelf, you can’t take 4.

“I’ll transfer by installments of $300 per day, as allowed after the Patriot Act. Take 300 dollars at one time I notify you on,” - Joseph told.

But why cash the sinking dollars, that I won’t be able to pay with in Ukrainian transactions, and lose on conversion? I tried to spare his expenses. I did daily market search for best commissions + conversion rates among a dozen banks. As you guess, I couldn’t operate over the counter. Not all ATMs would hand out dollars instead of hryvnias. Some ATMs didn’t function well (e.g. I had to enter UAH “950″ because button “1” won’t react so that I could order “one thousand something”).

No ATM ever showed balance on the foreign card, in any currency. It was like groping over the shelf in the dark, assuming that there were no more apples to take than due, and if I had taken 2 one day, I could take 4 another day.

It would have cost Joseph one sentence to explain that there was a row of apples there, guarded by vipers – pardon my literarizing! – that is, “if I overdrew even a penny, he’d be fined 40-50 bucks and possibly even have his account terminated, with that recorded on his credit history.”

But he hadn’t warned me, relying on his background knowledge, and I hadn’t asked him, relying on my background knowledge.

One day I hit the withdrawal limit. Thought the balance was zero or a little positive.

So Joseph is in red, and I owe him this post.

Good that Skype is free: our talk resulting in this writing has lasted an hour.

It has kept me from a harakiri. )

Take care!

© Comrade Natalia

(please link to this page if making some use of this info ;)